Svali The Suite 101 Articles Part 4, 16-20
These articles were published by Svali on a website called Suite 101 between Mar 2000 and at Oct 2002. Svali is an ex high level programmer in the Illuminati. At first she thought she was a US regional programmer until more memories from mind control surfaced and she found she was a high level Jesuit programmer.
The articles are available on the wayback archive but they are valuable so I reproduce them here. The best tradeoff of my time / article accessibility is to do them five at a time. It is easier for me to index them all properly at the end of the whole process, but for now I will just include links at the beginning and end of each post.
[16] 2000 Aug 27 Complex polyfragmentation: a coping mechanism for the survivor
[17] 2000 Sept 7 On Having Need
[18] 2000 Sept 9 Spiritual Warfare: A Healing Journey
[19] 2000 Oct 1 Should I Confront My Abuser(s)?
[20] 2000 Oct 12 Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator
[FoxyFoxBlog Svali Part 1] FoxyFoxBlog Svali The Suite 101 Articles Part 1, 1-5
[FoxyFoxBlog Svali Part 2] FoxyFoxBlog Svali The Suite 101 Articles Part 2, 6-10
[FoxyFoxBlog Svali Part 3] FoxyFoxBlog Svali The Suite 101 Articles Part 3, 11-15
Complex Polyfragmentation: a coping mechanism for the survivor
*Important note: this article is not meant to be therapy, or to replace therapy with a skilled and qualified person, which is essential in healing from severe trauma. These are only the opinions of a survivor. Trigger warning: mentions cult abuse, dissociation, and trauma*
In order to survive ritual abuse, a child will often learn to dissociate, and dissociate heavily. The child has undergone some of the most horrific abuse humanly imaginable, and most find a way to cope. One of the ways that is encouraged in certain groups, such as the Illuminati, is to create an elaborate defensive system. In psychological terms, the child fragments, then fragments again. Eventually, the child has polyfragmented.
What is polyfragmentation? The term comes from the root poly, meaning many, and fragments. In complex polyfragmenatation, the survivor will have not only alter systems, but hundreds or even thousands of fragments, isolated parts of their mind created to do a job, and do it well and unthinkingly. Often the job is one that would be abhorrent to the main personality or presenting system. The further away from core beliefs, the greater usually the dissociation and fragmentation that must occur. In other words, a LOT of trauma has to happen to make a person do something that they really don't want to do. And the person has to feel very far away from themselves as well when doing it. The cult will purposely try to create a polyfragmented system for this very reason. The person is more dissociated from themselves, and is often easier for them to control.
How are polyfragmented systems structured? These are individual, and will vary from not only person to person, but also with the group the person belonged to, the trainers, the abilities of the child, and tasks involved that the child must do. There is no "cookie cutter approach" in most cults to creating polyfragmented systems, but there are certain characteristics that are common.
What might a polyfragmented system look like? I will share some based on my memories as a trainer in this group, plus insights from my own healing process.
1. Protectors: these are parts that were created to do the jobs that had to be done, and saved the life of the young child. Cult protectors had to look mean and scary, like the child's perpetrators. They also become perpetrators when the child grows into an adult, since they have no choice. They can be ruthless, angry, or may believe that they are demons. Some growl, some hiss, some believe that they are powerful animals. And all were a little child who was asked to do the unthinkable, forced to act in ways that he or she didn't want to. They laugh at vulnerability, and trust no one. And with good reason, based upon their experiences in the cult. With therapy and time, they can also help keep the person safe from their perpetrators, as these parts will "kick butt" if they feel threatened.
2. Intellectuals: the cult WANTS intellectual alters who can observe, go between systems, learn information quickly and download it to outsiders. These might be recorders, computers, scholars. They may know several languages, and versed in different philosophies. Brilliant, cognitive, they often believe that they can outwit those around them, including therapists. But they also know much of the life history that the others don't, since they rarely have strong feelings. These parts can "read the life history" without a tear or emotion. When they are out, the person appears "flat" to say the least, in psychological terms.
3. Denial people: these are intellectual, and are created to deny that anything bad ever happened. Life was wonderful, the parents perfect and loving, and the suicidality and PTSD symptoms are just strange artifacts without "any reason," according to these parts. A person can have a full blown abreaction, and five minutes later, a denier will come out and say it was all "made up." They are often afraid of punishment if the person remembers, and have severe trauma motivating them.
4. Controllers/head honchos/"top dogs": these are the system leaders. They know what is going on at all times in their system. In a military system, it might be a general, in a protector system, the most powerful protector; in a metals system, the platinums, or in a jewel system, the highest jewels, such as diamond, ruby, or emerald. Usually there are several leaders in a system that share the responsibility. They can also become invaluable helpers over time if they choose to give up cult loyalty.
5. Child alters: these want praise from the adult leaders, and often come out for rewards, or sweets. They will report on others inside unless they can learn that it is safe to NOT do so, since they are motivated both by fear of punishment, and wanting praise from those above them. They are also often the "heart" of a polyfragmented system, and can feel love, joy, or fear and trembling. Often, they want hugs and to be told that they are "okay".
6. Punishers: why wait for an outside person to punish you if you can create someone inside to do it first? Children will often identify heavily with their perpetrators, and if the punishment is severe and frequent, they will internalize the perpetrator to try and keep themselves "in line" and avoid punishment externally. The cult will capitalize on this, and often trainers will leave as their "calling card" an alter named after themselves. This one will be an internal trainer, or punisher, or enforcer. Their job is to keep things in line, and will often try to sabotage therapy. They are often fearful of external punishment if they don't do their job. Internal punishers will also activate self punishment sequences inside (such as flood programming/ suicide programming, or other self harm sequences) if the person begins breaking away from the cult and the old rules. These parts may take time to conivince that they can change their old way of doing things, since they were often accountable to the outside handler/trainer if things weren't kept in line.
7. Feeling alters: the feelings were overwhelming and infinitely traumatizing in childhood. It threatened the child's survival and sanity. The solution? Parcel them out over several internal parts and/or fragments. Divide the feeling up so that it feels more manageable. Feeling alters often get locked away inside, and when they come out in therapy, the feeling may hit "full force" at first. A child alter may come out screaming, or terror stricken, or wailing in uncontrollable grief and pain, until they are grounded in the here and now. Often, feelings were heavily punished in the cult, so it was psychologically necessary to bury them deeply within the psyche in order to survive. These parts may be very separated from the parts that know what happened to cause the feelings in a highly fragmeneted system, so that the feelings seem to come out of nowhere, without any cause. With time and healing, they can hook up with the intellectuals inside who observed, and other parts who went through the same trauma, giving meaning to the feelings and helping to resolve them.
8. Internal councils: most cults have leadership councils of some sort. And many people internalize them inside. It's another example of internalizing perpetrators, and these have a vested interest in "keeping things in line" until they realize that they can leave the cult and be safe. Then, they can become an immense strength for healing. A personal may have a local leadership council internalized, or spiritual councils that represent outside people, such as an internal druidic council or group of ascended masters that help run things inside.
9. Sexual alters: created to handle the overwhelming trauma of early childhood sexual abuse, they took the feelings it was too painful for a young child to understand. Some had to learn to enjoy the abuse, or pretend to, and were heavily rewarded for this response.
10. Amnesic alters: these are known as the "front", the "clueless ones", "those who don't know anything", etc. These have the job of not remembering. Otherwise, as a child, they were heavily punished. Usually, they are very glad to not remember anything, and the other parts who were abused at times envy them or dislike their "protected life history." This can create a lot of intrasystem hostility or warfare, until the amnesic parts begin accepting that abuse did occur. Reminding abused parts that the amnesia saved the child's (and their life) helped my system with this.
11. The workers: these do the jobs of daily life, and usually are part of the presenting systems. These take care of the house, got married, take care of the children, and may hold a highly responsible job as well. These are the competent parts created that hide the fact that the person has undergone a lifetime of traumatic abuse and degradation. These parts can also be a great strength, as they share that life can be good with other more traumatized parts inside.
12. Hosts: there may be a "day host" (see presenters), a "night host" for the cult, or hosts for various systems or times in the person's life. Occasionally, the survivor of severe generational cult abuse may find to their dismay that a greater portion of their life was invested in and given to cult activities than day ones, and the "night host" is stronger than the "day host"! This happened to me. Fortunately, my "night host" was the one who left the cult, so she had plenty of strength and pull to give to staying safe and away from the group. I also had a "host" that had handled the summers spent in Europe, during those times in childhood, and a "hidden host" who never fully presented to protect herself from others (she manipulated the presenters to sit in front of her, telling them what to do). Each person's system will handle this task differently. In general, the greater the trauma, the greater the distrust of outside people, and the more likely that the host will be a facade, or heavily protected.
13. Core splits: can be created from severe and psychologically threatening very early childhood trauma. This used to be done intentionally by some cult groups to create larger and more dissociated systems.
14. The core: this is the original child, the one who created all of the others inside. The child's systems will depend upon the traumas and the creativity of the original child, as well as her need to protect herself from the abuse of others that might have destroyed her. In some systems, the core will be very young, or an infant, if the abuse was extremely early and severe. Core issues surrounding her will usually involve parents or parental figures who caused severe trauma. This might include abandonment, torture, or other forms of cruelty to a young child.
15. Function codes, access codes, halt codes, system codes: these are fragments that might be put in to do certain jobs, and are created to only do that job when called out by triggers such as letters, numbers, phrases, or other auditory stimuli. These are created with deep trauma and are very intentionally done by perpetrators.
16. Spiritual parts: these may have a variety of beliefs that cover different spiritualities internally. There may be one over-riding spiritual belief for the system, or several. For example, a spiritual system created by the cult may include aspects of Luciferianism, druidism, Temple of Set teachings, Ancient Babylonian mystery religions, etc. The host or presenters may have a completely conflicting religious belief system, and there may be hostility between the parts that hold opposing beliefs. In my own life, my presenters were strong Christians, and this gave the stability and comfort needed to bring healing to the parts inside. It also opened the way to begin forgiveness, one of the most difficult and important tasks in the healing process.
This has been an overview of just a few of the types of personalities that might be found in a complex polyfragmented system. It is important to be aware that each person is unique; that many people will have coped with trauma in their own way. This is not meant to say that every cult survivor has all of these personalities, but are one survivor's opinion based upon her experiences and memories. My hope is that this article will help to educate others about this issue.
copyright 2000 svali
[16] 2000 Aug 27 Complex polyfragmentation: a coping mechanism for the survivor https://web.archive.org/web/20050910115454/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/46865
On Having Need
This is a guest article by someone who has written expressively and eloquently on how the survivor of cult abuse feels. Her name is niid la'i and she speaks for many of us about the isolation and loss of identity, the need to protect oneself after a lifetime of betrayals. The desire to learn to trust and be open. She calls it:
On Having Need
by niid la'i
This is an essay on need. Need is frightening to me. I don't want to have need! The voices of programming inside start to shout at me when I acknowledge that I have needs. I am not supposed to have needs. I have always existed to serve others. I am supposed to be compliant, understanding, and forgiving, no matter what anyone does to me, or says to me. I am never supposed to express an opinion, or discontent or dissatisfaction.
As a child, I learned to have a "nothing face." This face was devoid of all expression. It was a face that hid a million feelings. Sometimes, even this expression was unacceptable. If it was misconstrued as sullen, then punishment descended on me anyway. I had to have at least a suggestion of a smile and contentment blended in with the nothing face. It was used when cult members were present and in the home with the mother and father.
I also have, what I call, "outside faces." Outside faces are more readable. They were created to present a pleasant, calm, and amiable appearance to all people. The outside faces went to school, and to relatives' homes, and to public places. As a small child people would comment on how quiet I was. As a teen-ager, and even now, many friends and acquaintances tell me I am so, "laid back!" What a joke! But it proves how well everyone inside has hidden behind the acceptable faces that afforded some safety.
One problem this has created is a numbing affect. In order for the outside faces and the nothing face to function, needs and feelings had to be literally forgotten. If alters, which I call, "others, " inside were too upset or anxious, there was a possibility of their emotions breaking through. Often in a cult gathering, members of the group would convince little others that if they had feelings inside, the members could tell. So, even if their facial expression was as it should be, the cult members would punish them forthe feelings these "little people", my name for little alters, were supposedly having. Because of this, others learned to deny their feelings and more others were created to hold feelings in far away worlds. Their needs were not recognized anymore either. Eventually they were as "nothing" inside as their faces learned to be on the outside.
When one of my others was 6 years old she was being taught not to cry. I'm sure there were lots of other "lessons" already ingrained about showing emotions, but this is just one description of those indoctrination sessions. The memory, and I'm sure it is not complete, is of this small child standing naked in front of a male adult. He was sitting in a chair and all of a sudden he slapped her very hard on the cheek. Of course, she grabbed her cheek and started to cry. He removed her hand and hit her again and said simply, "Don't cry!" She tried to stop but couldn't. He continued to hit her cheek and repeat the words until her tears stopped and the only evidence of the pain was her labored breathing. I'm sure that at some point this little person inside fragmented into more others who could hold the sting of the slaps and even the tears away from the six year olds consciousness. Eventually she was able to stand dry eyed in front of her abuser and not even flinch. By the time this was accomplished her cheek and eye were so swollen and bruised that she could not go to school for more than a week.
Certainly, everyone who lives on the earth has the need to cry many times in his/her life. But for me, because of countless, repeated episodes of controlled programming such as the one just described, my need to cry was effectively shut off. Now, as an adult, though I need to cry, there are many times I can't. I will feel tears begin to fill my eyes and my throat tighten up, but then all the symptoms just go away. I am left with an overwhelming sadness, a stomach- ache and extreme anxiety.
Can I then tell anyone I am anxious, or sad, or feel sick? NO! Others inside have been taught equally well that they are not supposed to ask for relief or comfort. They should not even feel sad, or anxious or sick. If they do have these feelings, they think they are bad and evil for having them. They experience tremendous guilt and shame.
In the present day, I find I don't understand what is happening with my emotions. I go to the Dr. and get so anxious when I have to tell him/her what is wrong that I get tongue-tied and confused. The Dr. gets impatient and frustrated because my explanations are so disjointed. He/she misunderstands.. I try again, but I still can't be clear. I am then judged incompetent and a hypochondriac. I am treated with lack of respect and in a mocking way. I don't understand why I can't talk to Drs. I feel stupid and ashamed for being so evasive and indirect.
This happens because I am not supposed to need. If I am sick, I am not supposed to need help. I am not supposed to tell anyone I don't feel good. I am not supposed to GET sick in the first place. This is ludicrous when considered logically. Everyone gets sick. But, the lessons are still so much a part of me, I think I am bad and evil for wanting medicine to feel better.
Let's say I go to a therapy session. I am going to therapy because I am trying to resolve the conflicts I sense inside. Even being there is a serious breach of "the rules." Again, I am admitting I have needs, and I am trying to talk to someone about them. Talking is akin to murder. It is a capital offense, and carries major consequences if broken. Therapy is all about talking! If I sit silent in front of my therapist then nothing is accomplished. If I speak to him I am buried in angry, shouting inner voices, pleading voices, scared voices. My body starts to hurt in various places. I cannot think again, and what I say comes out jumbled and incoherent. I get frustrated and panic-stricken. If my therapist shows even the slightest indication of impatience or perceived anger, everyone inside withdraws. All the others inside willing to watch and listen are so hyper alert they notice every movement, twitch and voice inflection the therapist has. This can seriously impede progress in therapy.
Many times I have left a session thinking the therapist has labeled me needy and draining. This is because if I ask him/her for anything; reassurance, understanding, support, I think I am being overbearing and demanding. The very act of walking through the door of the office and being seen feels like asking for more than anyone should ever be asked to give. Indeed, I am supposed to go in there and figure out what the therapist needs and start supporting and taking care of him! Paradoxically if the therapist cannot return a rare phone call, or cannot be as supportive as I need him/her to be, I feel rejected and abandoned. So, I find myself in one of those double binds so common to survivors. If the therapist is supportive, etc. I feel bad and evil. If he is not supportive I feel bad and evil. This is all because I am not supposed to have any needs.
What can happen, is that I get so worried about being needy, that I become needy!! By skirting around what I really want to say or ask for, those who are working with me have to guess at what I am really trying to ask or say. They can end up feeling manipulated, or like they are being forced to play some strange kind of game. Though this is not my intent, especially if they do not know me very well, my "halftalk," as I call it, can create the very drain I am trying so hard not to inflict on others.
It's another trust issue. In order to heal, I have to trust before trust is really there to be able to learn to trust! I have to risk from the very foundation of my being. I wear the lessons of the past like a second skin. To begin removing this skin leaves me feeling touch tender and naked once again. I often feel like I am metaphorically standing in the middle of a busy freeway daring the cars not to hit me. That's how vulnerable I feel as I try and shed the beliefs that have ruled me from the day I was born. I hate it when I am told I am comfortable living within the boundaries placed on me from the past. But, it is true. I have only known what I was so methodically programmed to believe.
Learning new ways is filled with as much pain and anxiety as the original abuse. As I discover and then acknowledge that I have needs, and attempt to trust these needs to "outsiders," "big people," i.e., therapist, Drs. and friends, I open myself up to the possibility of more hurt and misunderstanding. Though these people are not abusers, human beings are subject to making mistakes, responding from their own set of rules. The everyday problems in relationships that are bound to happen when people get together can seem as intense as the former abuse.
Can the voices of programming ever be silenced? I hope so. At this point, I have to rely on my therapists and other caregivers to instruct me and guide me. I cannot offer concrete ways to implant trust in barren soil. What this essay offers is insight. I NEED those who read it to understand and be able to step beyond my walls of resistance and help me. I hope that as other survivors relate to these barriers that affect their healing they will also seek out people that can assist them to shed their old skins of the past. Now how's this for breaking programming! Copyright 2000 niid la`i Niid la'i: Thank you for your courage in opening your heart and sharing with others here. May what you wrote open the eyes of both therapists and support people to the tremendous issues that a survivor of ritual abuse struggles with in the healing process. svali
[17] 2000 Sept 7 On Having Need https://web.archive.org/web/20081204050215/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/47711/1
Spiritual Warfare: A Healing Journey
Trigger Warning: This article discusses Christianity, prayer, and spiritual warfare, deliverance, and the demonic in detail. It is not meant to replace therapy with a qualified counselor, and is only the opinion of a survivor, based on her personal experiences.
“I command you to leave this woman’s body in Jesus’ name!” The blond haired woman used a voice of authority. From my mouth came a voice filled with laughter. “Lady, you could work on me all day and all night for the next ten weeks, and you wouldn’t even have begun to get us all.” It mocked her. “How many are you?” she asked. “Thousands,” replied the voice. I was terrified, quaking inside as the exchange went on. I could hear it all, but was powerless to stop it. “You legions, depart in the name of Jesus.” The short- haired blond used her authoritative voice again. Six hours later, she pronounced me “cured” and “delivered”. But I heard a mocking voice inside of melaughing at her, rolling on the ground internally. “She didn’t even know what she was dealing with, the idiot,” it said. I smiled and thanked the lady for “healing me” and fled, more confused than ever and wondering why I was so resistant to deliverance.
This is a true story from early in my healing journey, and is used to illustrate a point. The area of spiritual warfare for the person with ritual abuse and DID is often highly misunderstood. What the woman involved in deliverance didn’t realize is that the part talking to her was an ALTERNATE PERSONALITY named “laugher” who was created in times of great emotional stress (I wasn’t allowed to cry when I felt pain at others’ suffering, but mocking laughter was highly accepted as an emotional release). And the “thousands” referred to were personalities, not demons. Laugher found the evening highly entertaining, but others inside found it highly traumatic.
It is sad but true that all too often, the healing of DID (dissociative identity disorder) and ritual abuse is divided into two separate, and at times, disparaging groups. The first camp is what I privately term the “psychological approach.” This approach states that if a wounded person is allowed to verbalize their traumas, is given support and grounding techniques, and can learn system cooperation, that they will begin to heal. While this is valid, and important, it leaves out part of the picture. A person who recovers dissociated memories will be recovering memories of severe trauma and horrendous pain that will often feel overwhelming. Despair may hit, and the person searches for a reason to go on living. Without a strong faith basis, the person may find it difficult to resolve these traumas. Also, this approach leaves out the reality of the spiritual abuse and experiences that the survivor went through in a cult setting. Or the influence of the demonic. I believe that the demonic is real, and must be dealt with, or it will continue to retraumatize a survivor of ritual abuse.
The other camp is the “cast them all out and heal the person “ approach. This is also what I have privately termed the “instant integration” approach. Bypassing the trauma and psychological defenses, the well meaning church member will treat any and all psychological illness as “demons” that need to be “cast out.” At best, this approach will cause extreme cynicism in a survivor who finds out that the voices and switching still continue after the “deliverance” and wonder why they can’t be helped. At worst, it can highly traumatize alters who already feel shame, degradation, and that they are “evil”, and they will go deep into the system, for protection. If they do come out later in therapy, they will be understandably hostile towards Christianity, since their last experience was of being treated as evil, something to be gotten “rid of.”
Rare and refreshing indeed is the therapist or counselor who has a good grasp of both the psychological principles of healing, and a strong faith and discernment when the spiritual presents itself. Who starts sessions and ends them in prayer, who takes the time to discern if the part speaking is a personality, a demon, or an alter who is influenced by the demonic. Who listens supportively, does not rush healing, yet gently encourages the person in their walk with Christ in love. This is discipleship in the truest sense, and it takes a person with a strong walk to go this route beside another who has been deeply wounded.
So often ritual abuse has involved the most horrendous spiritual abuse that a human being can undergo. To a point that defies description. A young child will be hurt, and told to pray and ask God to deliver them. The child does this, and their tormentor hurts them more, saying, “See, God is powerless. He doesn’t love you, and has forgotten you, He doesn’t care. ” He or she will then ask the child to pray to Satan for deliverance. In immense pain, the child will, trying anything to stop the torture. As soon as the child does this, the torment is stopped. The child learns a horrible lesson, an ingrained lie. Only strong caring Christian love can overcome sessions like these as they are remembered and grieved over.
I am by no means saying that there is not a place for deliverance in therapy for DID, or making fun of deliverance ministries. There are some who do have people trained to deal with DID, and to not traumatize an already spiritually abused system. Imagine the impact on a protector (they frequently first present snarling or cursing because they have been so wounded) being told he or she is a “demon”. This is a part of the person’s mind that has already been wounded and tortured to the point of agreeing to do deeds that the child could not, such as hurting others or inflicting pain. Now, to be told he or she is a demon reinforces the belief that the protector is evil. A protector may have a demonic influence attached to it, but trying to deliver from a protector will not bring any results or healing and may cause more trauma.
My point is that there needs to be an understanding of both the psychological and the spiritual, and wisdom about the horrendous effects of trauma on the human soul, in the healing of the spiritual aspects of DID and ritual abuse. Can Jesus heal the ritual abuse survivor? Certainly! I would not be alive or writing these articles if this were not the cornerstone of my faith and being. I personally believe that only the deep, caring, compassionate love of our Heavenly Father can bring healing to the horrors of ritual abuse. The knowledge that Jesus WILLINGLY suffered the horrors that I did on the cross, that He was able to take those experiences into His own body for me and understands FIRST-HAND what I underwent (I believe that the cross was ritual trauma to the deepest degree) has been the MOST healing realization that I have ever had. That God loved me that much. It is humbling, and awe-inspiring. He wasn’t FORCED to undergo it as I was. He CHOSE to, to save me. To feel the pain that I suffered, so that “by His stripes I might be healed.”
I also have found that I do my own best spiritual warfare for myself, since I know best who and what is inside, and who needs healing. I have gone to my local church, and was led to ask for the annointing of oil, as I prayed and confessed before others and renounced every satanic ceremony that I remembered being part of. The most painful ones were the ones I remembered as a youth and adult VOLUNTEERING to go through, in order to rise in status. I had to come to grips with this reality, that I ASKED and INVITED the demonic into my life at those points. I then asked Jesus to deliver me. It was very quiet, peaceful, and non-threatening. And this time, there was no laughter, because I was in touch with the memories that had allowed the demonic in. The demonic will not leave if it believes that it has “rights” and I had to break those rights. I have also done this for my children, and broken spiritual and soul bonds with my family of origin.
But I also know that while this brings healing of the spirit, grieving, feeling, and sharing myself with a trusted counselor is also important for healing of my wounded soul. That my willingness to hear the heart breaking memories that my inside people share, and comforting them, is so necessary. As well as my praying for the courage to accept parts that come out blatently wounded, or saying that they enjoy pain and things that horrify my sensibilities, and for the compassion to come near to this part of myself. This, also, is deliverance in its truest sense, as I allow God to reach deep into my heart and show me what is there, and then grieve before Him as I acknowledge my sin and receive forgiveness. This is deep deliverance of root traumas, as I pour the anger and rage as pain comes out, cry tears of sorrow at the lifetime of betrayals, and the gift I give to God is going to Him yet again for His mercy and healing touch. He has never failed me yet, and I believe His word. He never will forsake me, or any who come to Him.
I believe that God is a loving God who desires to heal the survivor body, soul, and spirit. This is not a quick or easy process; I have yet to hear of any “instant cures” for severe childhood trauma, and would be very wary of any claims of it. To leave out any part of the healing process would be to have only partial resolution. Instead, healing for me has been a journey, filled with sorrow at times, but also great joy as I learn to trust in One who loves me, whose infinite care is the healing balm for the wounds of those who once hated me.
Copyright 2000 svali
[18] 2000 Sept 9 Spiritual Warfare: A Healing Journey https://web.archive.org/web/20020511164721/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/47803
Should I Confront My Abuser(s)?
Trigger warning: discusses cult abuse, suicidal programming, and acting out on it in article
“Mom, I remember. I remember what happened. I remember my cult name, A----, I remember yours, Sh------. I remember Dr. Brogan and what happened with him.” “You’re making this all up, sweetie. Nothing happened.” “Then why can I speak German? I never heard it in the daytime, but you talked to me in the night. Why can I hear “Ich bin eine kinder macht sachens gut,” (I am a child who does things well) in my head? The words that you taught me?” “Maybe you’re psychic? You picked it up spontaneously?”
This is part of an actual conversation from over a year ago with my own mother. She knew I had never learned German consciously. Yet I spoke German to her for two minutes to prove to her I knew it. She does not speak any German consciously. Yet I have tons of memories of her speaking it at night. In fact, Svali, one of my nicknames at night given to me by her, is a Germanization of my English name. My mother is in denial, and unwilling to give up her own dissociative defenses, although her explanation of my German seemed to be reaching a bit far. I have not spoken with her since, although I pray for her and my sister daily, and one of my greatest hopes is that they will get out of the cult.
As a survivor goes through the process of remembering their abuse, the question frequently comes up, “Should I confront my abusers?” This is a difficult topic, and one in which I will share a few ideas based on both my experience and the experience of others with whom I have discussed this in the past. It is NOT meant to replace discussion with a qualified therapist, who can help a survivor make the best judgement on what is best in an individual situation.
People will frequently have a desire to confront their perpetrator at some point in the healing process. The reasons for this will vary with each individual. Often, a desire for validation is the motivation. The survivor is struggling with memories coming up that seem unbelievable, and they want to hear the words from the person who hurt them, “Yes, that happened, and I’m sorry.” It is human nature to seek validation on the outside for long suppressed trauma, since the remembering process takes time. The full memory of a difficult event may take months, or even years, to be absorbed into conscious memory as recall of the event.
Rage will motivate some people. When memories of perpetration come forward, the long buried feelings of anger, that can border on the homicidal, may come out. The outrage that a young child felt at being used, abused, and betrayed in the horrendous ways that the cult does comes surging into the psyche. Anger is a natural reaction to violated boundaries, it is the signal that says “Something wrong happened to me, and it shouldn’t have!” When the boundaries have been not only violated, but completely trampled upon, as occurs with ritual abuse, the anger is correspondingly great.
I went through a short period of time feeling homicidal rage towards my mother as I remembered her abuse of me. But I had always CONSCIOUSLY remembered wanting to kill her and my stepfather when I was in high school, struggling with the desire to hurt them. I would push the feelings back over and over. Now, as an adult, it took concentrated effort in therapy and anger work to defuse the rage that I felt. I wanted a plane ticket one Christmas more than anything in the world, and the chance to “confront’ my mother and return to her the abuse that she had poured upon me as a child and youth.
This would have not been healthy, and thankfully I had a therapist and support system who cautioned me against a volatile confrontation at that time. Instead, as therapy progressed, I began to see that like me, my own mother was once a wounded child. As I prayed for her, I began the long journey towards forgiveness, which is still ongoing. I know the level of rage that I am describing may sound unusual, but in ritual abuse, the horrendous level of psychological betrayals, sexual abuse, and torture will create this kind of anger in the person, often locked within protector personalities.
I chose to not confront my mother while in this state. I went two years without any contact with her whatsoever. I also did this for my own safety and the homicidal rage has been resolved without needing to confront her at the time. Anger is part of the natural grieving process, and as a person grieves over a wounded childhood and their loss of innocence, it will be a stage that may be visited frequently as the survivor heals.
It may not be safe to confront an abuser who has the ability to reaccess the survivor. Meaning to confront the perpetrator, the person may instead be drawn back to the abuse that they are trying to resolve. In some cases, confrontation may be unsafe for the survivor of ritual abuse, and they need to choose to not confront, or only confront if there are safe people with them. Over three years ago, I called my mother. At the time, even though I had memories coming through of her abuse, they were vague. But then she gave a core command to my systems (she was my trainer the first three years of my life, and was one of three people who could go anywhere inside). The command was to “Come back or die”. I chose to suicide, rather than go back to the cult , and ended up in an Emergency room fighting for my life after taking an overdose. At that point, I stopped all contact with her, and the suicidality was broken. And I began to truly heal and integrate.
It is important if a person does decide to confront a perpetrator that they maintain safety first. NEVER go alone to confront a known perpetrator. This could be a set-up for trouble or being reacccessed. Always have one or two safe, non-DID people with you. Be aware that the confrontation will probably result in denial. This is the universal reaction of most people still involved in the cult, who are amnesic. Most generational cult families are dissociative, to say the least, and they will NOT remember their abusing others, even when directly confronted with their abuse. Perpetration of others is often the LAST thing remembered psychologically when healing from suppressed trauma, according to several therapists I have talked to. Perpetration is a very psychologically painful issue to face, and the person confronted with their perpetration will deny, or dissociate from it.
When I lived in San Diego, I was investigated by a local authority for an allegation of being part of a cult group. I was still completely amnesic to my involvement. I invited the person doing the investigation into my home, offered them coffee, saw the evidence, and shook my head sadly over the “poor, ill woman” who was making the allegations. I stated unequivocally to the investigator that I was NOT part of any cult group, or involved in any cult activities. I even offered to have them come and stay with me for a month, to see if I was telling the truth! I was not lying, I was completely DISSOCIATED from my other activities. The investigator was convinced by me, and left my home sure I was telling the truth, because, yes, I was. My front people were, that is, while the buried knowledge of my other activities was inaccessible to me, even in the face of being confronted by a local authority, and later, an investigator for the DA’s office.
If the survivor is looking for a confession, or proof of their abuse from amnesic family members, they will be sorely disappointed. Unless others in the family are willing to look at their trauma, they will deny as strongly as I did in San Diego, or my own mother did when I confronted her. If the survivor is fragile, this denial may cause them to doubt their own memories. I remember early in my healing telling my stepfather that I was DID. He told me, “You are no more multiple than the chair I’m sitting on.” This was his reality, and at the time it caused me to wonder if my internal reality was made up. Yet I knew that I could NOT be making up the feelings or body memories that were coming. I finally concluded that he must have a pretty darn multiple chair, then, since I knew I was.
Sometimes a person will want to contact their perpetrator to offer forgiveness, especially far into the healing process. While this can be a valid reason, again, the forgiveness may be met with hostility and denial if the perpetrator is not able to cope with the realities of their own abusiveness.
Each person will have a unique situation. Some will find that confrontation may clear the air for others in their family to remember hidden abuse. Others will decide that their family of origin or their perpetrators are dangerous, and should not be contacted for safety reasons. It is best to discuss this at length with a qualified therapist before reaching any individual conclusions. I have shared some of my own experiences with confrontation in my own life, in the hope to help others understand some of the reactions that may occur. Ritual abuse is one of the most serious forms of abuse that can occur, and often the individuals involved are dangerous to a survivor, or their agenda may be to try and draw the survivor back to the cult group. The choice to confront an abuser in this type of situation should not be taken lightly, and extreme caution used as well as the advice of a qualified therapist.
Copyright 2000 svali
[19] 2000 Oct 1 Should I Confront My Abuser(s)? https://web.archive.org/web/20020830002642/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/49485
Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator
* please note: this article discusses perpetration, trauma, and cult programming. If you are a survivor, do not read if these subjects are triggering unless with your therapist or a safe person.
I will be writing on an extremely difficult subject, that of trauma bonding, also known as bonding to the perpetrator. This is difficult to do for several reasons. As a child, I was in a state of “captivity to my abuser” as delineated in trauma journals. I was raised in an isolative cult, and bonded heavily to my primary programmers, both my parents, and the trainers that worked with me. Then, as an adult, I continued the vicious cycle when I became a trainer, then a head trainer, and bonded others to me.
Trauma bonding is the issue that is left out of the equation when people ask “Why do cult members recontact their perps? Why do they keep going back for more abuse?” Without understanding chronic trauma, and the effects of trauma bonding, it is impossible to understand the dynamic involved. I will be sharing in this article both from personal memory of methods used, as well as sourcing to the literature on the subject. My greatest hope is that by understanding this often misunderstood subject, that others may be helped to pull out of its insidious pull.
If a person is unable to escape chronic, traumatic abuse, they will eventually begin to bond with their perpetrator(s). This has been well documented in the literature. It will occur because of the dehumanization of the victim, who may reach a state of feeling that they are “robotized” or nonfeeling, combined with a disruption in the capacity for intimacy caused by the trauma.
“ Trauma impels people both to withdraw from close relationships and to seeks them desperately. The profound disruption in basic trust, the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the trauma that might be found in social life, all foster withdrawal from close relationships. But the terror of the traumatic event intensifies the need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others... “(1)
Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence, incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. This is often rooted in the fact that as a child, the trauma survivor was not only a CAPTIVE to their abuse, but they depended upon their perpetrator for food, shelter, or other necessities. In addition, with ritual abuse, a small child will often be abandoned for periods of time, to increase their dependency upon the very people who are abusing them. Any two or three year old will be almost insanely grateful to be rescued from a small box that they have been confined within for hours, or from the dark confines of a musty basement where they have been left for a day or two. Even the most abusive perpetrator will then become the child’s rescuer, which is the foundation of trauma bonding. In trauma bonding, the person’s abuser will be perceived as the one who delivers and rescues from the abuse, as well as the tormentor. This creates a psychological ambivalence that creates dissociation in a young child. The very helplessness and terror that are instilled by the abuse, cause the child (or later, the adult) to reach out to the only available hand for relief: the perpetrator. And the perpetrator WILL rescue and stop the abuse, or take the child out of the confines of their pain, but for a price: their unrelenting loyalty and obedience. This is the traumatic underpinning of all cult programming that I have seen: a combination of abuse and kindness; terror and rescue; degradation and praise.
This will be reinforced by the perceived power of the perpetrator in the cult situation: In situations of captivity, the perpetrator becomes the most powerful person in the life of the victim, and the psychology of the victim is shaped by the actions and beliefs of the perpetrator. (1)
This is survival at its most basic for the child raised in a cult setting, since failure to do this will cause further punishment and pain. The child will have seen people tortured or killed for disobedience, and so, literally, the perpetrator WILL have the perceived power of life and death over the child. If the child complies, and is “obedient” to the demands of their perpetrator and the group, they will be “rewarded”with freedom from punishment and continued life. The intense coercion to not only comply with, but to identify idealistically, with the group in this context is overwhelming. Almost all very young children in an abusive cult setting will begin to internalize their perpetrators in some form in order to cope with this reality. And this reaction will be rewarded heavily, if not done intentionally. Many cult handlers or trainers will pretend to “pass on their spirit” into the child, and will tell the child that they now “live within them” and “are always watching them.” Frequently, the young child will then create an internal alter with the same name as the outside abuser or trainer.
I remember my second trainer, Dr. Brogan, saying that he was giving himself “immortality” by going to “live inside of me” when I created (with his help) an internal Dr.Brogan. This alternate personality became a head internal trainer inside, the same role that Dr. Brogan had on the outside, and part of healing has meant learning that this internal Brogan is actually part of ME and learning that he no longer had to do his old “job” of reprogramming me internally. It has also meant breaking free of the hold that the GOOD memories of him, the kindnesses, the expressions of love and caring, held over me as well, since they bonded me to him, and to the group that he belonged to.
In the cult, it is not uncommon to have a “death ritual” where the child is brought to a near death experience. Afterwards, the “rescuers” are the trainers who talk soothingly to the child, massage him or her with oils, and tell the child that they “owe their life” to them. Not only that, but the warning is given: if the child ever tries to break free, they will return to the state of dying. Other set ups will include burying a child alive in a box or coffin; again, the perpetrators will rescue the horrified child who is almost out of their mind with terror (after several long hours) under one condition: undying loyalty to the group and the rescuers. Traumatized beyond belief, the child readily complies. This time of avowal and loyalty will be buried in a deep, subconscious layer of the mind, and the older adult or survivor may not be aware that part of the draw to the group is the belief that they “owe their life to them.” The subconscious fear needs to be dealt with: that leaving the group does NOT have to mean death, as they were taught in early childhood traumatizations.
After any training session, all Illuminati trainers know that the most important time is the “kindness bonding” after the trauma is over. The best trainers will have kind personas that will come out, talk lovingly to the “subject” and tell them how well they did, how needed the subject is to the group, how “special” and unique they are. Rewards such as a special food, drugs, or a sexual partner will be given as well. This “kindness” after the trauma is the hook that will often draw programmed personalities back to the cult, since some personalities may know only of the rewards and kindness, and will block the abuse. Heavily abused alters have less of an investment in returning to the cult; but heavily rewarded and praised alters will, and must be helped in therapy to see the whole picture.
Siblings and other children will often form a trauma bond with each other, much as soldiers in a war setting, or prisoners, will do. “Twinning” with a non-biological twin will carry this to an extreme. In different situations, the children are allowed to “rescue” each other, increasing their loyalty and bond to each other. They will go through the same programming and torture together, and will feel the bond of “surviving it” together. A “battlefield” mentality may literally develop, as friendships deepen in youth and vows to be willing to die for one another are given and taken. But all too often, these friends and twins and siblings are also forced to traumatize and wound each other, reinforcing another basic cult message: the one who loves you will hurt you.
The survivor who escapes the cult will feel a powerful pull back because of a lifetime of these types of distorted messages. The safe therapist, or non-DID friend, is not hurting them, and this may create a huge dissonance in a person who up until this point had always been taught that “love” meant “pain”. They may doubt the reality of the caring messages of those around them, or need to test their support system over and over. And highly wounded alters, who were bonded to believe that they owe their very life to the ones who have abused them most, may still try to recontact former perpetrators, not believing that life can be different yet.
Undoing a lifetime of this type of teaching and training takes time, patience, perseverance, and prayer. It will stretch the most caring support person as they wonder why the survivor recontacts their abuser. The survivor will feel that they have betrayed themselves, if they find they have recontacted perpetrators, unaware of the powerful pull that trauma bonding may still have on certain alters inside. But with caring support and continued therapy, the survivor will begin to test old beliefs. Personalities formerly loyal to the father, mother, or other trainers may decide to cut off contact, and will go increasingly long periods without being reaccessed. They may come out in therapy, angry and disgruntled, or asking when the therapist is going to “put down their façade” and begin hurting them (this is another form of testing). The person’s whole world view may go through a 180 degree inside as they realize that love does NOT have to mean abuse, and the message reaches the deepest layers inside. Deep grieving over the abuse of trust, over the betrayals, over the intentionality of the trauma bonding and the set-ups will occur, as the person moves towards healing and away from the pull of their former abusers. The process takes time, often years, to occur, but the result, which is a life free from cult abuse, is well worth it.
Copyright 2000 svali
References: 1. Trauma : site at http://tor-pw1.attcanada.ca/~lrs/info/tr... excerpt from excellent book Trauma and Recovery (1997) by Judith Lewis Herman, MD
2. Attachment and Bonding Center of Oklahoma: site at http://www.abcok.org/attachment_disorder... Good discussion of attachment disorder and causes in infants
3. The Meadows press release: “The Case for Traumatic Bonding: The Betrayal Bond “by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., C.A.S. Review of book that has an excellent discussion of trauma bonding and emotional betrayal; article has checklist of symptoms of trauma bonding.
[20] 2000 Oct 12 Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator https://web.archive.org/web/20020318184521/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317
Links
[16] 2000 Aug 27 Complex polyfragmentation: a coping mechanism for the survivor https://web.archive.org/web/20050910115454/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/46865
[17] 2000 Sept 7 On Having Need https://web.archive.org/web/20081204050215/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/47711/1
[18] 2000 Sept 9 Spiritual Warfare: A Healing Journey https://web.archive.org/web/20020511164721/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/47803
[19] 2000 Oct 1 Should I Confront My Abuser(s)? https://web.archive.org/web/20020830002642/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/49485
[20] 2000 Oct 12 Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator https://web.archive.org/web/20020318184521/http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317
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