From Golden Dawn to Dark Despair

Introduction

Sarah has come forward bravely to tell her testimony. She is still caught up in the consequences of the decisions she made. She is telling her story to help others avoid the mistakes she made and the pain she is still going through. She is still looking for a way out of the nightmare. Has anyone any answers?

Sarah’s testimony

I was raised Christian in an abusive authoritarian household. I sought the occult from a young age and was interested in myths and faery tales. I was persecuted by my parents for this. In my twenties I was on and off involved in new age practices.

In 2020 I found out about hermeticism (a philosophical and religious system based on the purported teachings of Hermes Trismegistus (a Hellenistic conflation of the Greek god Hermes and the Egyptian god Thoth) and thought it was the path to true magic which I’d been searching for all my life. I joined the Hermetic order of the Golden Dawn in 2021. I progressed through two grades and my telepathic skills began to develop. They use a lot of Christian symbols and ironically I thought I was healing my relationship with Christianity.

Symbol of the Golden Dawn

I began attending a church even as I was still practicing ceremonial magic. I was in constant telepathic communication with other members of the Order, most notably my mentor who turned out to be my greatest persecutor.  I became aware of another ‘self’ on the astral that I knew somehow was connected to me in some way. One night I woke to hear it talking to my mentor and it said I was a Christian which surprised me because I had not practiced Christianity in many years. 

In May of 2023 the other members of the order began psychically attacking me. I could barely function in reality because I was in the astral all the time.  The attacks grew so bad that I quit the Order in mid June 2023. I woke up one morning and thought, “this is my life now.”  I was tortured night and day by figures in black robes.

I sought a Catholic church and was praying for relief and freedom. I heard a voice say “Have courage daughter.” At the time I thought it was God but now I believe it was Satan’s voice. I stood up and took communion but as I did I felt a reversed pentagram be carved on my forehead. I rushed home in terror and panic and begged my husband and parents to pray for me. I cried out to God to save me but even as I did so I felt the other Self renouncing God and the Light.

Night after night they tortured me with visions of the most grotesque and terrifying nature. I saw myself torturing my beloved dog, corrupting my dear husband, stealing the souls of the people I work to help in life. It was like I had no control over what this other Self was doing or perceiving any longer. I have violent, awful thoughts of things that never entered my mind before this.

I could fill a book with what I’ve seen and experienced; the thing about psychosis is it moves much faster than time in physical reality.  What followed were six months of psychosis; seeing my name written in the Devil’s book, having Baphomet and the Leviathan cross be imprinted on me. I felt them draw infinity symbols over my eyes, heart, and mouth. I did not sleep for days because I was in such terror that they would kill me if I went to sleep.  It was so bad I had to go inpatient for three days.

I came out convinced that the MH [mental health] practitioners were in on it as I heard them answering phones with the same shorthand that we said to each other in the Order. It mimics a lot of what I’ve read about MK Ultra mind control as it was like they ‘programmed’ my inner voice to turn against me.  My mentor in the order told me they were giving me more initiations than I had knowledge to handle.

It is now almost a year past that date and I have not felt joy or true happiness since that day. They took me through the Abyss and I met Leviathan. The same inner voice that used to be good and kind rejoices in horrible things and proclaims that it is a satanist. 

I believe they captured a part of my soul and took it through Qlippothic (Tree of Death) initiation that corroded its ability to perceive truth, beauty, or God. At night as I am falling asleep I feel this other self being tortured and attacked by my mentors. Snatches of images of horrific violence like something out of a horror movie fill my mind. My story is more complicated than what I’m sharing but I have to distill it somehow. I have tried multiple deliverance sessions without relief.

I have renounced the Order, satanism, and the name I took. I’ve gotten rid of all my magical paraphernalia to no avail. This voice says I am a satanist whenever I try to say I am a Christian. It’s like they inverted everything that I held dear, values of Beauty, Truth, Goodness. 

It has ruined my life and I will live forever knowing that I failed in the only way that truly mattered in this life. I have lived with such despair that I didn’t know it was possible to feel so terrible and yet live. These people got inside the deepest parts of me and corrupted it.

I cannot convey in words what a waking nightmare this is and I believe one day I will wake to a far worse nightmare than what I live with everyday. If I can only do this with the rest of my life it is hopefully to dissuade anyone from entangling themselves in any secret society because magic is very real and it is only a veneer that covers what its true nature is, satanism.

I always believed I was practicing white magic and that it was a path to purifying the self. Unfortunately I have learned the hard way that all magic is evil. I have seen enough to know truly that hell is the absence of goodness and love. I do not want to end up there, but I do not believe I have a choice any longer. I hope readers choose more wisely than I did. 

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