Caylen Hartwell Mind Control Survivor
Caylen Hartwell was interviewed by Emma on her podcast/radio/video. I am only aware of one other interview of Caylen’s, it must have been a decade ago with Bill Ryan when Caylen was known as Kathy Collins. [1] Caylen had been very positive and talked alot about healing, so I was looking forward to this interview, one of the few videos I watch. So many people need healing in these days as more people are waking up to their mind control and abuse.
I was intrigued by Caylen talking then, iirc about people getting serotonin fixes by reliving their past behaviour, and it dovetailed into experiences that I had had with people who afaik were not child abuse survivors, but definitely had had a physically abusive childhood. Time and again, they would jeopardise a more stable life and go back to a chaotic, out of their own control one, and I concluded this was what they were used to being brought up.
Overcoming her own experiences, Caylen tells the story of some of her healing in a funny and positive way.
I had realised that survivors have to be mega attentive to the behaviour of their abusers, I had not realised the extent to which this “codependency” behaviour was so debilitating, so I am researching more into the book she mentioned. Codependent No More – and she has told me it is Melody Beatty Codependent No More [10] and I look forward to reading that.
I have included Emma’s shownotes and the autotranscript for those like myself who prefer transcripts, and I have included a few relevant links, below Emma’s shownotes. There is also a link to a 7 minute edit/excerpt, see after the shownotes.
The Imagination Podcast bitchute S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” [4]
The Imagination Shownotes
This week I’m honored to have SRA & MK Ultra survivor and overcomer, whistleblower, mother, spiritual coach, child abuse and trauma advocate and educator, entrepreneur and owner of Positive Shifting, and self directed learner, Caylen Hartwell – formerly known as Kathy Collins – on the show today! There have been a few prolific survivors who have been speaking out for many years who have persisted in speaking out despite what opposes them and Caylen is one to add to list alongside other courageous women that have been on the show like Svali, Cheryl Beck, and Penny LA Shepard who have been paving the way for many years for survivors and victims to have a voice.
I was recently introduced to Caylen’s story and felt so deeply in my heart that I needed to reach out and see if she’d come on the podcast and was SO honored when she said ‘yes’! I find her and her life so inspiring because although she’s been through horrific things that were meant to break her and that the majority of people can’t fathom, she chooses to focus on the redemption part of her story and now devotes her time to helping other people turn their own pain and trauma into power and purpose.
With the subject of ‘trauma’ being something every single person on the planet experiences in different degrees and kinds, it’s shocking how little we truly know about this subject matter and how even Doctors of Psychiatry are not taught things like Dissociative Identity Disorder or satanic ritual abuse. Caylen truly bridges the gap in helping everyone from survivors of MK Ultra, to therapists, to helping those of us who are dealing with the everyday traumas and stresses associated with being a human being understand the complexities of how trauma is layered throughout the body and how we go about healing from these new understandings.
One of the things I fell in love with about Caylen is how centered she is on providing messages of hope to survivors. After all she’s overcome, it is nothing short of a miracle from God that she is here with us today and that she can serve as a living testament of what is possible with the right knowledge, understanding, and action in regards to surviving and thriving after trauma. When she speaks, she is standing up for every victim and survivor and helping society as a whole understand the unthinkable in a palatable way. I know if you are here listening today that you are going to leave with so many take-aways and this may be an episode you might want to stream more than once.
CONNECT WITH CAYLEN:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/caylenhartwell/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/CaylenHartwell
CAYLEN’S RECOMMENDED LINKS:
Dream Dictionary referenced in the interview:
https://www.amazon.com/Dream-Dictionary-Tony-Crisp/dp/0760765359
ITNJ Judicial Commission on Human Trafficking: https://commission.itnj.org/
Interview with Kristy Allen on SRA:
(Not all of the testimonies are available regrettably)
CONNECT WITH THE IMAGINATION:
All links: https://direct.me/theimaginationpodcast
Website: https://standbysurvivors.com/
SXS Merch: https://my-store-c980d5.creator-spring.com/
Survivor Store: https://standbysurvivors.com/survivor-store
–
There is also a 7 min edit/excerpt that I have not watched. The link will take you to Telegram.
I think it is a good idea in general for edits/excerpts to be made, even as short as twitter length of a minute ish to promote the longer interviews and pick out salient important points.
Telegram Caylen Hartwell [9]
I have added some more links of Caylen’s
Caylen’s Website https://www.positiveshifting.com/
Caylen’s Blog https://www.positiveshifting.com/blog
A few links to topics Caylen mentioned – her previous interview, Ho’oponopono, Codependency book and Kristy Allen interview with ITNJ
Transformation – Healing from Child Abuse, Kathy Collins [1]
I am Sorry, Please Forgive me, I love you, Thankyou. Ho’oponopono [2]
Kristy Allen Mormon Ritual Abuse and MKUltra [UT62]
Melody Beatty Codependent No More [10]
Just a note on ITNJ, whilst I trust all the survivors who I have seen given evidence, I do not trust ITNJ See ITNJ thread archive on pingthread which survived my twitter ban. [8]
I look forward to Emma’s next interview with Caylen. Thankyou to both.
Links
[1] 2019 Oct 21 cathyfoxblog Transformation – Healing from Child Abuse, Kathy Collins https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2019/10/21/transformation-healing-from-child-abuse-kathy-collins/
[2] 2013 Sept 9 cfoxblog I am Sorry, Please Forgive me, I love you, Thankyou. Ho’oponopono https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2013/09/21/i-am-sorry-please-forgive-me-i-love-you-thankyou/
[3] youtube The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma”
[4] 2022 Aug 14 Bitchute The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” https://www.bitchute.com/video/UQtl15c9yQOA/
[5] apple The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma”
[6] spotify The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma”
[UT62] UT5- Kristy Allen Mormon Ritual Abuse and MKUltra https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2022/06/28/ut5-kristy-allen-mormon-ritual-abuse-and-mkultra/
[8] Pingthread ITNJ thread archive https://pingthread.com/thread/13740136479
[9] Telegram Caylen Hartwell 6 minuter https://t.me/mindcontrolmonarchmkultra/3159
[10] Melody Beatty Codependent No More https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2LT0LZOSTH7Z5&keywords=codependency+no+more+melody+beattie&qid=1661862032&sprefix=codependency+no+more+bea%2Caps%2C107&sr=8-1
This post [11] 2022 Aug 30 cathyfoxblog Caylen Hartwell https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2022/08/30/caylen-hartwell/
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Transcript
heavenly father today we put on the full armor to protect us against attack we put on the belt
0:09of truth to protect against lies and deception we put on the breastplate of righteousness to protect
0:16our hearts from the temptations we put the gospel of peace on our feet to walk in your light
0:21peace and freedom with the holy spirit we rebuke anxious thoughts we take up your shield of faith
0:28for protection to block and destroy all the darts and threats thrown at us by the enemy
0:33we put on the helmet of salvation to cover our minds and thoughts reminding us that we are
0:38children of a mighty king we are forgiven set free saved by the blood of jesus we take up the sword
0:46of the spirit your living word that has the power to demolish strongholds and is sharper than any
0:51double-edged sword we come to you lord in prayer daily in jesus mighty name we pray amen what’s up
1:00you guys welcome to the imagination i’m your host emma and this week i’m honored to have sra and mk
1:07ultra survivor and overcomer whistleblower mother spiritual coach and warrior child abuse and trauma
1:14advocate and educator entrepreneur and owner of positive shifting and self-directed learner
1:21kailyn hartwell formerly known as kathy collins on the show today there have been a few prolific
1:27survivors who have been speaking out for many years and who have persisted in speaking out despite what opposes them and kailyn is one to add to the list alongside other courageous women
1:38that have been on the show like spally cheryl beck and penny l.a shepherd who have been paving the
1:44way for many years for survivors and victims to have a voice i was recently introduced to kailyn’s
1:50story and felt so deeply in my heart that i needed to reach out and see if she’d come on the podcast
1:55and was so honored when she said yes i find her and her life so inspiring because although she’s
2:00been through horrific things that were meant to break her and that the majority of people can’t fathom she chooses to focus on the redemption side of her story and now devotes her time to helping
2:11other people turn their own pain and trauma into power and purpose with the subject of trauma being
2:18something every single person on the planet experiences and different degrees and kinds
2:23it’s really shocking how little we truly know about this subject matter and how even doctors of
2:28psychiatry are not taught things like dissociative identity disorder or satanic ritual abuse
2:35kalyn truly bridges the gap in helping everyone from survivors of mk ultra to therapists
2:41to helping those of us who are dealing with the everyday traumas and stresses associated with being a human being understand the complexities of how trauma is layered throughout the body and how
2:51we go about healing from these new understandings one of the things i fell in love with about kailyn
2:57is how centered she is on providing messages of hope to survivors after all she’s overcome it’s
3:03nothing short of a miracle from god that she is here with us today and that she can serve as a living testament as of what is possible with the right knowledge understanding and action in
3:13regards to surviving and thriving after trauma when she speaks she is standing up for every
3:19victim and survivor and helping society as a whole understand the unthinkable in a palatable way
3:26i know if you are here listening today that you’re going to leave with so many takeaways and this may be an episode you may want to listen to you more than once i’m incredibly honored to bring to you
3:35today woman of god verse voice for the voiceless healer educator child advocate trauma educator
3:43and absolute inspiration kailyn hartwell caitlin thank you so much for being here with me today
3:50well thank you oh my gosh i need a drum for that drum roll that was just
3:59thank you so much you’re so gracious and i’m so uh blessed to be on this uh this podcast with you
4:06and i want to thank you very much for doing what you do um you’re such a such a an open and pure heart and that is what is important so um
4:20anyway so where do i start yes yeah i mean i i’m just excited to be here talking to you so
4:27it’s it’s wonderful to be able to share this it’s an honor to have you here like i said you know i
4:34when i read these stories and see what people like you have overcome like most people in society they
4:40look at celebrities like oh my gosh and i look at you guys like that i’m like gosh we have so much to learn about what we’re truly capable of as humans what what can happen on the other side of
4:51healing our inner child if we’re an adult and the importance of you know children and how to raise
4:57them and just bringing awareness in general to these things that happen whether or not we like to hear about them they do happen you know and all of us know people we might be that person that has
5:07experienced extreme trauma and we need to really start as a society understanding this and how to
5:13approach it how to recognize it how to heal from it you know and how to be there for people who
5:19have gone through it so i’m really grateful that you’ve been you know talking about this side of it and trying to educate people because like i said you know even in psychiatry a lot of
5:29doctors who are you know they go to school for four to eight ten years they don’t learn about
5:34some of these things and so you know we’re misdiagnosing people there’s people walking around that just feel so helpless and it’s really nice to you know listen to somebody like you
5:45that some people can listen to and say she understands you know and oh my gosh look at what she’s done with her life she has kids she has a you know she has a thriving business like i can
5:55do that too if she can so i just can’t thank you enough for everything that you’re doing and for
6:00people who haven’t heard of you i’d love for you to maybe just give us a little bit of background
6:06on your story and maybe at the kathy collins side that people might know you as and and just
6:12go into maybe a little bit of your past and kind of what got you here today to where you’re at now
6:18yeah well it’s it is like having uh as we were talking earlier off camera i feel like i just
6:26started a new life and um my uh life for me as kathy collins i was born kathleen aaron collins
6:36that was my dad was very proud of our irish heritage and um i had a different notion like
6:46you know other people on your show have have told that you know because of the suppressed memories
6:54um i thought i had one life and i was aware of some of the abuses but it was mixed
7:04up because i i was i knew that there were terrible things that happened in my family
7:10um but i still painted this picture of oh my family is perfect and um the memories didn’t start
7:20coming out well a memory started to emerge at age 27 when my oldest daughter was one year old and
7:33i dreamt that my husband had raped her i got up and i told this to my husband my then husband
7:45about this dream and he was so upset and he screamed at me he’s don’t you ever ever ever
7:54say anything like that to me again and i was so ashamed and i thought i don’t watch anything like
8:01this on tv where did this come from so what i did is i shut it down like full force and almost
8:10the very next day i came down with severe tmj temporal mandibular joint syndrome extreme pain
8:22so i’m going to professionals to take care of the tmj they think it’s because of a you know injured
8:28hip you know they’re looking at structural things there was nothing structural wrong with my jaw
8:35i had this tmj for 17 full years that meant that during the entire
8:42childhood of all my three children they didn’t have a mom who was present because
8:48i was in so much pain and three years later i contemplated suicide which might have been
8:55the programming because it was very strong for three months every day i was obsessed with this
9:04wanting to take my life but i go oh what am i my kids i need to find i need to find a mom for them
9:09but i couldn’t go anywhere i was a vegetable here aged 30 i was a total vegetable because
9:14my i had shut down and i was married to a personality type that was
9:22perfect because you’ve got a real codependent is going to go with a narcissist so i had
9:30to have that compliment it’s like a mathematical formula people say oh it’s not fair but it’s
9:36it’s like is two plus two equaling four fair you know that’s just it’s just a mathematical formula
9:44in our reality uh it’s energetic and also that experience being married to this person
9:54was to teach me a really solid lesson that i could pass on to other people and it was
10:01to teach me the value of my self-sovereignty as a codependent i gave myself away i gave myself
10:09away to the point where years later my kids thought i was dying of cancer
10:15and i wasn’t but i was near i could feel the um what do you call it i could feel
10:23the connection to life was very tenuous it was just like on strings that’s what it felt like
10:31so how did i end up with this type of personality is i was uh born into this trauma
10:42it didn’t uh i was born in 1957 in santa rosa california which is was one of the
10:50major mk ultra centers for project monarch according to kathy o’brien lovely woman by the way
10:58i i can’t say enough about how much she has done to educate people and so aside but when i finally
11:06realized what all the constellation of things that happened to me i did email her and mark and i was
11:15scared because i thought well maybe they’re trying to uh maybe it’s it’s a setup and they’re trying
11:21to find me so there was this like no but i need to reach out i need to reach out so i did reach out
11:27and within 24 hours i got this lovely email back and it was just wow to get this email
11:36back that was so compassionate and uh it it just still resonates with me today so this is
11:44something that people can take away with them is you don’t know how such a simple act
11:52can really help somebody and make them feel safe or safer right and not feel like you know what
12:01because i thought i was going crazy there was nobody i could talk to right now it’s really cool that their people like you are talking we’re talking about it in public space um so
12:16the reality of my uh my past came out when i was coming out of the tmj 17 years later
12:26i came down with severe chemical sensitivity um i was allergic to everything i was eating
12:36i could only wear cotton i couldn’t get near anybody who had washed their clothes with thai
12:42detergent i mean i was extra i couldn’t go into the grocery store just smelled like chemicals i couldn’t take my kids clothes shopping because of the formaldehyde in the in the clothes
12:54so i was where i was near death and i got there’s no place on this planet i can i can live
13:00and so i asked a neighbor who seemed to be well connected i said do you know where i can go and
13:08she said well contact baster university i wasn’t up in washington state at the time
13:13and it’s the university that trains naturopaths and so i called them i said can you give me
13:20a recommendation because this is my situation i said well we can’t it’s a policy and i understand
13:27that but i said i am near death i have to know um and so the person said well don’t tell anybody
13:36that they gave me dr crean’s name and i called him up and i went to him immediately he started doing the detoxing but he had some very curious questions
13:46on his questionnaire the reason i’m bringing this up is because people who are not aware of things
13:53their clues start coming in to their awareness when they’re ready so i’m filling out the
13:59questionnaire and said has you have you ever been sexually abused and i thought what kind of ridiculous question we’re talking about chemical sensitivity what does that have to do
14:11with sexual abuse well apparently it had everything to do with it so i didn’t know
14:21and he could see it right there he could see it when he saw all my symptoms he knew my story he
14:28didn’t know that about the sra right but he knew about the sexual abuse and sexual abuse alone is
14:34enough to really debilitate a person and he said you know you were exposed now he couldn’t tell me
14:43directly because that would be too shocking the shock i wasn’t ready for that shock of discovery
14:50because that would have taken me out of totally it would have bumped me totally out of healing
14:57so please therapists if you see somebody across from you and you have you know by their symptoms
15:05this is what has happened to them don’t tell them because that’s exactly what happened to my brother
15:11and he went crazy he he had to go to 18 therapists after that because he was told too soon what
15:20happened to him yes but this is because therapists were not educated were not educated but i was so
15:28blessed to be with people who are very very gentle and tender around this subject and so he asked
15:35me to uh he said you know there’s this book you might want to read it’s codependent no more you
15:41want it it’s up on the shelf over there and so i reached up to get it and so i could look at it
15:50and i couldn’t hear anything else he said after that because i was so uh worried about how i was
15:57going to get the book back up on the shelf without interrupting the conversation so i couldn’t hear
16:04anything he had to say that’s how codependent i was i was so trained to be so in tune with
16:11the other person’s needs i was in tune to you know my trainers my dad whenever i was there to just
16:19serve them and i didn’t know how to undo i didn’t know that this was the mechanism i had going on so
16:30i finally found a break and i put it up there and i wish i knew what he said because he was so full of wonderful knowledge but i did get the i did get the book and i read it
16:40and as i’m reading it i’m going oh my gosh there’s stuff in here that i think my brother
16:47would relate to and now i was pretty estranged from my siblings this is very typical i mean
16:54we didn’t outright fight but we weren’t i i was just on the periphery i didn’t interact with them
17:01a lot and of course i was far away so i called him and he said all he said was
17:09well you know what happened with our father and then this sensation
17:18came over my body and dr ukrainian had taught me he said now listen when your mind thinks
17:26something and your body tells you something different your body is telling you the truth
17:34so i had this body reaction my mind is saying okay and that’s all he said you know what our father
17:40did so obviously my mind jumped there but i wasn’t going to look but i had this full body reaction
17:49and i can’t remember the rest of the conversation but after getting off the phone for a whole week
17:55i did this ping pong no can’t be true my dad no he no no no no but then my body would say oh this is
18:04awful and i had this terrible pain all over like every cell in my body was screaming so by the end
18:11of the week of that process then i realized that that was true so that led me to the piece where i
18:21could start healing just the peace with my father and the sexual abuse the other thing dr cranian
18:28taught me was your digestive system doesn’t work you have your overflow with toxins because you
18:34experienced trauma while your systems were being for formed and your digestive system never got to
18:43fully form so that’s why i was so overloaded with toxins even though i wasn’t drinking
18:49or smoking or you know i was eating a pretty clean i was having a pretty clean lifestyle according to
18:56my knowledge back then i didn’t know about organic back then but you know as clean as it could be so
19:07what happened was that i kept you know i kept investigating doing you know journaling and uh
19:14then i became part of i had this over i lost my i had to quit my job because i couldn’t
19:21function i had severe fibromyalgia nobody could touch me i mean we’re talking extreme
19:27pain in every cell of my body on top of the the tmj so i go to this pain study in um
19:38back up i went to take my youngest daughter to get her braces and the prosthetic i thought okay i need a mouthpiece
19:46uh because i wear a night guard at night so why not have him check me out so i went to
19:53have him check me out and he said oh um you don’t have anything structurally wrong with your jaw
20:03and he said i know somebody who can help you though so he sent me to dr love don’t you love
20:09that name at um the pain study uh institute clinic at university of washington in seattle that meant
20:17i had to drive and i was really dissociative so it was really difficult for me to do this but i got a stipend uh for going there and they would um do all these tests but then
20:28i went in this one time for him to for dr love to check my mouth and um he had a couple
20:40of students there and he says is it okay if the students know watch and learn and um i said okay
20:49so he did this experiment where he opened my mouth he says now you just relax and let
20:56me open your mouth and so he did and then they measured how wide my mouth would open he says now
21:04open your mouth on your own let’s see how wide you can open it and they would measure it and they did this three times consistently when i opened my mouth
21:15myself it was 10 millimeters wider than when he opened it
21:22so then he turned to the students he said yes and this is indicative of sexual abuse oh my whole
21:31body is just like oh i was flooded i felt my my face turning red and because you know we’re in a
21:41learning institution it’s all about learning i’m not the client you know so it’s just like
21:46i’m feeling it now again just reliving that experience so i’m sharing this because when
21:53we we suppress the the information for so long and so hard it can produce these effects
22:02i was able to get over the tmj in three weeks after learning that piece of information
22:11so it was completely psychosomatic and all these dentists over all these years
22:17were drilling on my teeth and doing all kinds of fancy stuff because they have no clue they have
22:24no clue except for this guy and the prosthodontist that i went to so
22:31as you pointed out we have gaps we have big gaps in our medical establishment the people who are
22:36front in the front lines who ought to be able to let poetic she has nothing wrong with her jaw
22:43why is she having all this pain they were even talking about giving me surgery but it would have
22:49cut off the nerves to my mouth and i wouldn’t have been able to i wouldn’t have been able to smile oh
22:55my gosh so i’m very lucky that uh we didn’t do that uh so that’s that was the very beginning of
23:02that so then i went on this journey of healing all around my memories come like right away after that
23:09or was it what happened is i would have memories of being underneath the house and these creatures
23:20chasing me under the house and i would tell dr crane and i go this is what’s happening i feel
23:26like it’s icky icky feelings and it was because my mind he said your mind is protecting you
23:34you can’t you can’t see what actually happened you can just just get hints you’re under the house
23:41the house represents you that means you’re in the subconscious you just can’t break out of
23:46the subconscious because it was so horrifying to you so um he performed naet on me i can’t
23:54remember what that acronym stands for but this is the first energy healing that i i received and of
24:00course we had to go off to some clandestine place because oh you know a naturopath is not supposed
24:06to be doing energy work and then he released you know certain points that he said well your biggest
24:13issue is fear of abandonment which is basically almost everybody’s you know but it was huge for me
24:21um so this set me on this journey of healing around my father i just did lots of
24:28work on that i could never get solid memories of it but it was just like notions notions
24:38and um so we’ll fast for a few more years i moved to paris because my husband gets he gets
24:47transferred to paris for a couple of years and um and my two younger kids got to go to the american
24:54school of paris and it was cool that i already spoke french so like wow thank you that’s a safe
25:00but let’s see how the universe how it all gets set up like this we’ve gone to germany i couldn’t have
25:06spoken and i was dissociative so it was really you know it was really um it was really hard
25:12to just do anything but i go okay i can function i know french and um so my brother
25:19comes over to visit they said the saying goes when you move to paris everybody visits you
25:25so that’s what happens i came all the way to see me there wasn’t going to come up to
25:30washington but oh de paris paris yeah so he came now this is the one where uh we were
25:39talking earlier about half truths right discerning whether something is a full truth or half truth
25:48so he comes to visit and i’m telling i said i’m feeling better i think i got over stuff
25:53i’m feeling more energy and i that summer i was able to function and it was really cool
25:59and he said well there’s more are you ready i go hey i want to heal just just tell me just tell me
26:09okay well we were prostituted and used in satanic rituals
26:17again the whole body reaction again but he said two things in that sentence
26:26so i could believe being prostituted because i remembered being put in suitcases and potato
26:33bags we’re talking from two years old i was taken out and used by both men and women
26:41so i remember being put in the trunk of the car um and then it turned out it it took me several
26:49years later to figure out the definitive moment when i quit my job my last job because i lost my
26:57teaching credential status we just moved over the border and so i was working as a teacher’s assistant from the business school and i was in the candy store and i was stalking candy and um
27:11and then i had this notion i had to go answer the phone i’ll remember i’ll get back to my brother in a minute i went over to the phone and i saw it was off the hook and i lifted it up oh a vendor uh
27:24with an order oh yes yes yes so i went over to the business teacher i said did you know there
27:30the there was somebody on the phone she says yes i came in and i had this whole conversation with you
27:36to tell you about it and i said if we were in a court of law i would swear that i don’t remember you coming and talking to me so i had total missing time total missing time
27:48from an entire experience so i thought oh my gosh what else am i not remembering you know i
27:56hear i had somebody to verify what happened and the evidence was there the phone was off the hook
28:04years later it took years later to figure out what happened
28:09stocking the shelves with candy triggered the memory of my dad luring me to the car with candy
28:18so you see how the most benign thing with this kind of background the most benign thing like m m’s
28:29um could make you just go and i went totally i would go possum they say
28:36fight flight i did the freeze that was my go-to mechanism was freeze so get back to my brother
28:48and he had these two things in the sentence so i thought okay i can but oh they say tank rituals
28:54he’s you know my brother i think he’s a little bit you know i don’t think he’s really got it yeah but
29:01i’m not going to say that i love him i’m not going to say we’ve been through this stuff and so i didn’t say anything to him but privately i thought this is you know but then i started to have some
29:14interesting experiences my husband’s iranian we went to iran and i came back and i
29:19came back with a curse from somebody who was jealous in the family so i went to a bodytalk practitioner who removed the curse and i’m going okay this is really weird i mean
29:30uh because i was getting all these symptoms i’m very sensitive so i thought okay i didn’t
29:36see how that was related to anything uh all that’s related to is that i’m very sensitive
29:42and so we moved to connecticut after that my husband’s on a business trip
29:51and as i’m starting to fall asleep there’s this entity that comes from 20 feet away
29:58now the room is only 10 by 10. but this entity how do you know it came from 20 feet away
30:06and its face was within six inches of my nose and i knew it wanted my soul
30:13and i thought oh my gosh i jumped out of bed i go okay that wasn’t my imagination that when i’m turning on all the lights and i am i’m freaked out totally freaked
30:24out and i go oh my god oh my god oh my god my brother he’s right he’s right he’s right
30:29and that was the experience that i had to have so i’m going oh he’s on the west coast i can’t
30:35talk to him yet so i’m waiting i couldn’t sleep all night um so i waited until the morning to
30:42to call him and he said oh yeah yeah that happened to me for seven years i had to deal with it i go
30:48what because yeah portals were opened while we were going through these things so this
30:54was like i’m going okay i need a healing team i need to be with people who understand this so
31:02that’s when i made the intention that okay i need a healing team i i’m humpty dumpty
31:08i need all the king’s horses and all the kings because this is just i have no idea you know
31:15what to do but in the meantime i’m learning to do bodytalk which is an energy healing system
31:21and i’m trying to help my kids overcome you know the issues of our family because
31:27you know i married somebody who was like my father no not as bad right or nothing
31:35physical or sexual happened to my kids but you know the emotional trauma happened and um so
31:43we get back to washington and uh then i find out i need to divorce because i realized that um that
31:56my husband was with other people
32:02and i could hear him on the phone and in the meantime he was you know he was telling me well
32:07if you can’t if you can’t keep up with paying the bills then we’re gonna have to just sell the house you know and here i’m on disability and i’m really scared and and so any kind of threat it was really
32:21easy to threaten me because i was so trained fast forward today man is absolutely scared of me
32:32i love you too you are so powerful and just so resilient
32:37just because i i stood up to it you know i got narcissists worst nightmare
32:43well what it was is the angels i believe that angels came and brought me evidence and i said no no no no this can’t oh i’m sorry we didn’t finish the thing about the half truths when my brother
32:54presented two things in one sentence i thought that was a half truth that one happened to be a
33:00whole truth so see this is where half truth can get sticky so i wanted to button that topic up
33:08so so anyway angels were showing me you know this is what’s going on and you know you’re in a bad
33:16situation and you gotta do something about this and my daughter’s about to get married i’m going
33:23why does this all have to come out before one year so i went through the whole marriage like
33:29thinking i was gonna either throw up or cry at any minute so i kept you know hiding because i’m going
33:34i got a divorce i got a divorce and i i gotta do it on the slide because he’s gonna deny everything
33:41whatever so so that set me on this course of of doing this wonderful divorce uh which in itself
33:49was a huge um event uh and it went on for three years because you don’t threaten a narcissist
33:57with divorce i found out i didn’t know what a narcissist was until you know i started going
34:03then i started okay hey i’m going into debt paying all these lawyers i’m gonna get all the healers
34:09and so it turned out that all the people i needed showed up i went to this woman she was a family
34:18family therapist or something like that that i had been referred to earlier because um i went
34:24to this cranial sacral therapist thought you know things aren’t going too right in your situation maybe you want it but i i didn’t want to face that i didn’t want to face that so i go to her finally
34:36and then i go you know what i don’t care what she thinks i’m gonna blurt everything out i told her
34:42about the sra i told her about you know getting um you know being prostituted i told her about
34:49the sexual abuse and here i was ready for her to just throw me out the door and she goes oh i know
34:58just what you need you need a soul retrieval and i just met the person that can help you
35:06so i was like what i was you know prepared for this you know really awful reaction so then
35:13she sent me to this guy this medium uh and so then i started uh healing with him
35:20and uh because he can see your guides it’s like you lay there and he’s talking to these
35:26invisible beings whatever so i go to set up my first appointment and this is something
35:32for your audience to know if you’re dealing with somebody with uh who’s had satanic virtual abuse
35:40he said now there might be some voices in your head they’re going to tell you that i’m evil or
35:48that you couldn’t you shouldn’t come to see me or your car might not start or whatever there might
35:57be something that might try to prevent you from coming you need to resist that and push through it
36:07well i’ve got a real stubborn streak in me so that it served me well i go okay i’m gonna anchor in
36:15and sure enough you know the fears no i shouldn’t go oh yes yes i’m going i’m going i’m going
36:21so i went and uh my first appointment lasted eight hours which was unusual and um
36:29he said oh my gosh i’ve never seen anybody release so much excuse my french the ssh
36:37in one session and um and so people healers like that work with um
36:46in the world of spirit language is through images and animals and things like that so it’s not always with words and
37:00symbols lots of symbols right right and so he’s trying to tell me about all these fantastic things
37:06but what he does is he puts the protective you know the the the christed light brings it in
37:14makes everything protected whatever he goes to open up the energy it was booby-trapped it
37:22sent him onto his knees and he said if he didn’t think quickly enough he would have died um but
37:30he was able to he goes oh my gosh i should have but he’d never dealt with somebody like me before
37:36he’d never dealt with satanic ritual abuse and then later i don’t know how far down the
37:43rabbit hole we could go but there were a lot of fantastic things that happened
37:48there so in my journey uh discovering all i went through the shock of discovery for two and a
37:55half years of just discovering all these really gnarly things and um but i couldn’t make it out
38:02i can’t remember how far into that those two and a half years i think it was like maybe six months
38:08i was calling uh to make the appointment with him i can’t understand why would somebody go have all these things happen to them would think that one of these
38:17things would be enough and she said well haven’t you heard of mk ultra like everybody knew about it
38:24and i go no and she said and so she’s the one who directed me to listen to kathy o’brien so then i
38:31started listening to that and then that’s when i started now i’m going through this
38:38divorce at the same time i’m going through all of these discoveries so i’m feeling like how am
38:45i going to be able to hold this all together so i’m generating a lot of fear i mean i was
38:52experiencing re-experiencing terror terror can be like your cells just exploding it can also come
39:01as your blood just turning cold like ice so i go oh wow i get i know all about fear and
39:09terror isn’t how wonderful is it oh my gosh and so you know you have to have some comic relief
39:18along the way or else you’re gonna you know you’re gonna give up so i’ve having all all this creepy
39:25stuff is happening in the house and um we get a cat i’m there just with my youngest daughter now
39:33because the other two were off in college during this divorce the divorce era so we get a cat
39:39because we think okay if the cat’s bumping around will go oh there’s another oh it must be the cat
39:46so we’re sitting at the kitchen counter and we’re both feeling like this cold
39:54like coming up our back and we could both feel and how did we know the other one is feeling
40:00the same thing this is this is the ministry of how we’re all connected right so we look at each other
40:06didn’t have to say anything so we go to look back at the cat because we’re thinking we’re both thinking that okay if the cat’s chill it’s fine we look back at the cat and her first
40:20and we go no no no no
40:29not supposed to happen that way
40:34so there’s this one night i’m laying in bed and i hear this knocking in the wall really
40:41loud knocking and i’m scared half out of my wood so i call the next morning i call the
40:47medium so what’s going on and he goes that was you you created elementals with your thinking
40:57you see you’ve got to stop those fear thoughts i’m going yeah i remember reading years earlier
41:04in the hindu tradition they’re talking about how thoughts were things oh my gosh i was living that
41:10reality he goes you need to go into non-fear so my whole education with this guy was as we’re going
41:21and discovering things and that and then i went to another therapist was bringing up the memories
41:28and what their their back and forth they were working in tandem with each other i would go to her i would journal i got this wonderful
41:41dream interpretation book um by tony crisp oh amazing i got it for a dollar at a book sale
41:51and so i was interpreting my dreams and i’d go to the therapist and she says where are you getting this information i said this book i only spent a dollar for it she goes that is i’ve been doing
42:00this for 20 years this is the these are the best interpretations so i i was getting really into
42:07digging deeper i finally got out of the basement of the house and i was getting into the house
42:13and the house represents your your body and going into the different rooms and so forth
42:19and having experiences in that but then sometimes they were actual like memories and then i would
42:26um remember people doing things like i felt so guilty because i knew they were doing stuff to
42:34my brother who’s five years younger but the way it came up in the dream is there were these big bears
42:41and they were eating and i’m not and then i was going oh i can’t save them from the bears because
42:48i couldn’t go there to the literal but then when i woke up i go oh i know what that was representing
42:55so when people have these if if the trauma is too great and they’re highly sensitive so
43:02me being very sensitive that means that all the torture i went through
43:08was magnified oh yeah or than the average you know an average person so i go to the the therapist
43:18and oh i was going to cranial sacral therapy the same not cranos visceral manipulation
43:24then they work with the viscera i don’t know if you’ve heard but it’s very very gentle very and so he’s working on me one day and he asked me oh were you involved in any rituals by any chance
43:37i said well yeah uh i was and this i knew right i was in the knowing and i said yeah i was uh used
43:46in satanic ritual abuse he goes oh because i see you laying on a slab with your hands and feet tied
43:56so that’s all i needed i go okay so i took that i go i’m not gonna i’m not gonna process this on
44:03my own so i went to the therapist she did emdr and she did it with the selenite stone which
44:10doesn’t if you know about selenite it doesn’t absorb any negative energies oh yeah i have one
44:18um they’re just cool looking by the way um so i go in there and i told her about this
44:26and she goes okay let’s let’s do this let’s go into there so we go into the memory now
44:32how this felt like it was when i was five years i felt like did you ever watch the movie the matrix
44:39yeah you know when neo gets sucked down that tube that’s what it felt
44:45like i felt like this memory was physically sucking me in down this tube to this place
44:55and there i saw myself as a five-year-old i was naked tied down to this stone altar which was
45:07exactly the same altar by the way that they put in the opening scene of sherlock holmes the movie
45:13what the exact i go when i saw that movie i go where how do they know what that’s supposed
45:19to look like how do they know anyway so but then i’m standing outside of myself
45:29and i’m wearing clothes and my five-year-old stuff and there’s this beautiful woman standing next to
45:35me in this gossamer gown oh it just makes me want to cry she’s so beautiful so gracious
45:43and but i’m looking down at the child there on there and then i see the three hooded
45:48figures i can’t see their faces and they’re saying well we can’t break her we can’t break her
45:55but when i saw myself i saw two of me i saw my head
46:01one head going this direction and the other had going that so there was there were two of me one superimposed on top of the other and one was going one direction the other one was going the other
46:13that’s really weird so she helped me through the experience it was really i was so grateful
46:19there was somebody there i was thinking man this woman isn’t running out of the room yet you know
46:25and um so we got through that i calmed down it was really nice to release that and so then we knew i was right to go see the medium and have the energy removed so this is how it works
46:38they can’t release the the healer can’t take that energy from you until you’ve learned the lesson
46:50until you got it okay so i learned well this was i learned what happened and i got it
47:00and there’s a lot of stuff that’s not at the cognitive level so but anyway i go into him
47:07and i said i saw two of me and he said oh you saw two of you because one of you
47:15you were separating whenever a a child or anybody goes through trauma a piece of their soul leaves
47:21and you are watching a piece of your soul leave your body i said why is that they said that’s to preserve innocence so by me going through that reliving
47:35it and understanding and by the way the woman who was standing next to me was my higher self
47:41so um so it was just it was it was a very beautiful very beautiful scene so
47:48he was able to do the soul retrieval where not only was i able to retrieve my soul you don’t
47:58do your entire soul right a piece of your soul so we were able to bring back that piece of my
48:04soul from that incident and then he said and then he brought in all the pieces from my
48:10soul from all the past life because i’ve been tortured every single lifetime up to this one
48:18that’s the kind of soul i’ve got i guess i don’t know but anyway he said was like a light he said i wish you could see it all the lights are coming in and he’s saying yeah and he’s he’s having a
48:26wondrous time and i’m feeling really good i go oh wow this is so cool i get to be whole again well
48:35that was just the beginning because there was so much i had to do to become whole um
48:42but that’s it’s just an amazing amazing thing to happen to be able oh he said that um
48:53yes this can only happen because the energies of course this was in 2007 or eight
49:01so the energies finally opened up for us to be able to do this this was not possible until now
49:08so this is a message of hope to everybody and since then the healing energies have been opening up and opening up and oh and the consciousness of
49:20everybody going through their traumas i know that was is was not fun like it wasn’t fun for
49:27me to go through the divorce and everything but you know i learned i go wow i cannot be a victim
49:34i have to stand up for myself nobody’s going to stand up for now i’ll go back to the matrix
49:40again i love this scene it’s one of my favorite movies the scene where neo is uh going to rescue
49:49morpheus morpheus is tied to the chair and he can barely just he can just barely function
49:57that’s a really good analogy for us because neo the one could save him only when morpheus
50:08tried to save himself he had to get up out of the chair and meet him halfway
50:17beautiful metaphor beautiful metaphor and so this is where we have to you
50:22know as individual no matter what we’ve gone through and everybody’s gone through stuff recently everybody and if you haven’t personally know somebody and that affects you
50:34and to just know that this is part of our actually you know we’re growing up we’re growing out
50:41of it you know it’s uh you know a child when they’re growing how they’ll have growing pains you know so we’re having growing pains i’ve gone off on tangents so please uh help me
50:54oh my gosh all that was so valuable no thank you okay because i want to make sure i’m not just rambling on and not giving me i want to be giving uh useful information
51:05uh that will empower people because there was so much i learned along the way so much because
51:12i was there wasn’t a day that didn’t pass that i wasn’t focused on healing because i so badly
51:19my entire adult life i was in utter pain and um you know i’ve come recently
51:28i was able to let go of the ptsd and the last piece of that was nutritional
51:37because so what with the fires here in california uh three was it three and a half years ago i
51:44was i came down with dementia because of the toxins in the air you know the when you have
51:51med heavy metals in the brain is what causes dementia and i knew that i’m like oh my gosh
51:58i need a detox system i’m not around healers here um who can help me i’ve got to do this on my own
52:04and so that’s when i came upon medical medium and i started using his protocols for detoxification
52:11i was able to reverse the dementia in three months oh my gosh in three months and the bonus was
52:21my ptsd fully lifted because and then i read it in his books i go oh the neurotoxins in the brain
52:28don’t let you completely heal from the ptsd i did all the spiritual and emotional work
52:35but i wasn’t able to you know i things would still like you know startle me and i go whoa
52:42and oh i don’t have photophobia anymore i thought i was just born with photophobia
52:48and photophobia is when lights hurt your eyes you know any overhead light would just i was always
52:55the house was always dark because the lights would hurt my eyes the sun wouldn’t hurt my eyes and go oh the sun is oh and i don’t have acid reflux anymore so it was you know when you do the
53:07holistic thing so here’s another message is that we’ve got to address we’ve got to address
53:14our well-being at every level of our beingness our nutrition our thinking our beliefs and
53:24we don’t have enough time to go into that into the belief thing but the beliefs are
53:29this time uh the beliefs are the drivers of our you know if you’ve listened to bruce lipton and
53:36all of those people they definitely are the drivers uh so i’ll give an example of this one so yeah i tell people who become like a sherlock holmes
53:48uh when you have curious things going on in your life and they’re unexplainable
53:53uh try to find out well what is the what is going on in my subconscious that’s driving this and um
54:02this is before the divorce area era and this is when i was sick on the couch a lot and my oldest daughter was in high school she invited me to go to this really cool
54:13you know um bookstore in seattle and so we were going to go there and look at the tarot cards and
54:20fun stuff and and um and then go out for a hamburger so we went out together i had
54:28a lovely time i was going wow i’m having such a great time this is wonderful oh and we get home
54:34not only like 10 minutes after getting home i get this immense pain all over my body and i
54:40have to go to the couch and i’m laying down on the couch and i’m going wait a minute i wasn’t
54:45exposed to any toxins i was going through my checklist i had a wonderful time oh my
54:50gosh i got to be with my you know with my teenage daughter who wouldn’t want that you know we went
54:57there was there were no negatives like how is it that i am just so sick
55:04and then i laid there and i call it tuning in that’s some people call it praying opening up
55:11meditating then the information came in oh i had the belief that it was forbidden to have fun
55:21so i automatically punish myself with physical pain the brain will just it’s like
55:28oh okay i’m on to you so i use the eckhart tolling method where you’d be the watcher
55:34and i invite anybody who hasn’t read his stuff go read his stuff amazing so i read
55:40him for he was he was my guru for three full years every day just listening to him and um
55:49so i thought okay the next time this happens i’m going to catch it and so it only happened
55:58just a few more times and each time i didn’t get as sick and it didn’t last long so i was able to
56:05undo but i had to shed the light of knowledge onto that belief we have these beliefs that we really
56:14were totally unaware of and i didn’t think when i went to the pain study they had me go through
56:21cognitive therapy i don’t know if you’ve heard of that right so it’s very left brain you write
56:26down what your thoughts are whatever and they had me have this little timer that would go off and
56:33i had to write down whatever was in my mind when the timer went off i was so shocked because i thought i was a positive thinker because i was i was listening
56:43to zig zigler and all these positive thinking people brian tracy tony robbins you name it right
56:52and i couldn’t believe the thoughts i was i was embarrassed in front of myself so that’s another
57:00exercise that i’d invite everybody to go through to go out and clean out that library because guess
57:07what it is uh it can create disease or it can create problems in relationships problems with
57:16money you name it it’s gonna it’s gonna pop up as a problem somewhere because why because then
57:24the problem is just the messenger hey you see this you see this this is not the way we’re meant to be
57:33we’re meant to be in balance we’re meant to be in harmony but um coming out of this era that we
57:42learned through opposites we learned love by experiencing hatred we learn
57:49loyalty by experiencing betrayal etc etc we’re letting go of that the new way is coming and the
57:59new way of teaching we don’t teach so much at the way like instructing we teach by example being an
58:09example and then people will say oh and that’s what happened to eckhart tolle you know he just
58:18he was this example of total bliss people said well how did you do that he goes i don’t know i
58:23guess i gotta go get this out so then he started studying so he could have words for it and um and
58:31so he’s in another another amazing uh guide for there’s so many beautiful souls out there giving
58:38us the information for when we’re ready for it the teacher arrives when the student is ready
58:49and um so that’s where we’re at you know we will come because i mean i wasn’t ready people
58:55there were clues about my past there were clues about my marriage all the you know when i started
59:02reading the books i’m going oh my god oh my god it was right there it was right there oh my god it was right in front of my nose but it’s so unconscious you know and one of the things that
59:12i love that that you talk about is you know two things the how you talk about serotonin and how
59:21people are chasing that unconsciously and looking for chaos in their life chaotic relationships
59:28and don’t realize that it’s serving a human need that they can replace that habit and that belief
59:33with something else but they’re so tied up and unconsciously you know seeking in relationships
59:39are these patterns you know and not understanding the physiology of why they keep making those
59:45same choices over and over again you know so many of us get caught in that even people you know i’ve done that in my life where i’ve repeated you know the same patterns and dated
59:54the same people even though in the beginning i’m like oh this person’s so different and then you know a year down the road it’s like wait a minute how did i end up in this exact same spot you know
1:00:05do you have anything to contribute to that i love how you talk about the serotonin aspect
1:00:10and how oh yes yeah well the patterns it’s the we have these vibrational patterns so for me because
1:00:18i had all this trauma and the type of trauma i had i attracted all kinds of bizarre weird
1:00:26things and people but at the same time okay i i have to give the message this is a little sidebar
1:00:34that you know talk about all these awful things but along the way there were these i was being
1:00:39protected when i was two years old or going through this kind of thing the child will try to
1:00:47annihilate itself instinctively so i kept trying to kill myself and my poor mother was trying to
1:00:54she was if you could just stay alive till you’re five could get you to kindergarten um so but i
1:01:01we were the family went to uh visit uh my aunt in petaluma who lived on this really steep hill
1:01:09uh back then the breaks were this like a little stick that you would just pop and then it would oh
1:01:18it would release the break my older sister got in to to play in there you know she wouldn’t let me
1:01:25have a turn because i was the younger sister right so i got down my turn when she was out of the car
1:01:31i’m in there two and a half years old the car starts rolling down the steepest hill in petaluma
1:01:39going across the busiest road and i remember going because i was steering like this i was going up
1:01:46one side walked out so i slowed down a little bit i went across the intersection without hitting a car jumped the curb uh went head-on into a tree totaled my dad’s
1:02:01it wasn’t his car it was his company car um of course there are no seat belts back then if i was
1:02:08if there were i wouldn’t put them on anyway right two two and a half years old they run they find
1:02:14out what hap what’s happening they see the cars missing out oh my gosh and my mom had just lost my my god my sister linda to she was a blue baby she was going oh my gosh i’ve lost another child
1:02:26they ran down there and they found me all curled up on the seat my mom thought i was dead
1:02:33when they reached in i didn’t have a bruise or a scratch and i swear there was a cat on the
1:02:42seat with me my memory is that there’s a cat and i ran this my doctor couldn’t he said oh yeah we all
1:02:49have these little spirit guides so anyway that was a a side remark i wanted to bring up that
1:02:54we have these these beautiful experiences along the way if we’re meant to stay alive
1:03:04the universe is going to find a way to keep us alive right and if it’s time for us to go it’s
1:03:10time for us to go so that’s where we can let go of the fear of death it’s going to happen when it
1:03:17is supposed to it’s never going to be an accident you might have an excuse
1:03:24oh you fell off the cliff or whatever that might be the excuse but the timing is is something that
1:03:31has been like programmed if you will so you can just let go of that fear of death now i
1:03:39forgot where we were uh i forgot the trail so get me back on that troll oh the series
1:03:45yes so um the serotonin yeah i kept attracting uh all these people and then when i was told that i
1:03:54was gonna continue to have uh by this time it was you know it was one stop shopping with my husband
1:04:03because i got out of him what what i got from my dad from my mom my older sister she was set
1:04:09up as a as uh my enemy you know she wanted to be my friend uh and look at the outside
1:04:16world there see what happens to us yeah but she wanted to be my friend but it was the control
1:04:21issue so anyway he was able to trigger me in all you know from all of these these memories
1:04:30and so i’m being taught okay i’m going through the divorce so i go okay i decide to let go of
1:04:35that but now i was still having all of the pain and the anguish and the fear
1:04:41and um i’m still working on non-fear and this is when i was told that yeah my serotonin i was
1:04:48getting my serotonin because how can i get rid of i finally make the decision i’m doing what i’m supposed to how come all this stuff keep happening and um it was because i had to keep producing
1:05:01aces so you need to find ways to pull back from that need and that’s when i decided that i would
1:05:10get excited whenever i saw a butterfly or a sunset now people want proof what about this serotonin thing there’s a really interesting experience
1:05:21i had i was working with somebody who had one of these really advanced biofeedback machines
1:05:30and the biofeedback uh said that i was addicted to the victim on i went into i was so upset i
1:05:41go oh my gosh when can i just be addicted to alcohol or something normal like that
1:05:49don’t they know what to do with that don’t they but when you’re addicted to victim how do you so that’s how i kept bringing in experiences to make me a victim and
1:06:00uh and so she said hey but there’s this button here where you can reverse that
1:06:06i go okay well let’s try this now it wasn’t in her training um so we were experimenting
1:06:16and i almost lost my life because it turned out to be my core personality
1:06:22was victim and so i stopped producing serotonin and i could hardly lift my arm
1:06:34so i check in with the healer and he says well you were lucky you didn’t die because but you’re an old soul so you got through it but so that’s my proof when when my core identity was reversed
1:06:49and of course it didn’t stick because i wasn’t ready for it i didn’t have the lesson
1:06:55and so here i’m going to hound it in when you get the lesson things have the permission to disappear
1:07:03from your life so i had to get the lesson to stand up for myself i knew i needed to
1:07:10do that but i had to pray and it is so hard it was excruciating to stand up for myself when i wasn’t
1:07:21when i was trained to do otherwise and people who are brought up in more uh sane families uh
1:07:31more healthy families where they teach the child to have a sense of self they can’t relate to
1:07:37that and they can’t relate to why would a woman go back to an abusive relationship and it’s like this
1:07:44magnetic thing you you don’t you know you see it you and you but then your mind has to excuse it oh
1:07:53well he’ll get better and so your mind will come in and make the excuses but it’s not your
1:07:58mind that’s doing it it’s this it’s just like this magnetic attractor that you need that to
1:08:06stay alive and be safe in an insane way and in the case of a woman who’s with an abuser well
1:08:16she sometimes she ends up getting killed but she was safe in the sense that this is where she felt
1:08:25familiar yes so we feel safe around that which is familiar that’s why we have xenophobia
1:08:34you know when you’re in a room full of people who are not like you you know you you don’t feel if they’re all dressed different or whatever is because they’re
1:08:44not familiar maybe there’s nothing wrong with them but that’s part of our programming that we need to
1:08:53mindfully deconstruct so that we understand when something truly is
1:09:01a threat and it truly isn’t a threat but you can apply this to like refugees people you know i
1:09:09have a daughter living in sweden and they were bri they’ve been bringing refugees up there for quite
1:09:14some time and the people there would complain they go wait a minute these these refugees they don’t
1:09:21they’re bringing refugees from the middle east where they’re going through tons of trauma bombs you name it you know um and they bring them up to sweden where i don’t know if
1:09:32you’ve ever been to sweden but there ain’t much going on there you know it’s just like oh you know
1:09:39everything’s nice you know they’re very even-tempered you know
1:09:46they would never invite tony robbins there believe me he’s too out there for them so
1:09:55but they don’t understand when they bring these refugees and they go well wait a minute they’re in this safe place and they’re going bananas this is because when you you took away too much
1:10:07of their trauma too fast without training their nervous system to adapt to this new form of safety
1:10:22and so i was just pulling right when i was seen and people hearing people on the new you know talking about you know complaining about them how they were ungrateful
1:10:31or they’re just you know impossible or whatever but some of them you know did adapt but it was
1:10:38a big it’s a big problem and it’s a big problem around the world because we have lots of refugees
1:10:43and so and then they end up being a lot of them will end up being um mugged they’re the ones who
1:10:51are getting mugged and so forth it’s not because they’re bad or they deserve it it’s because they still have this energy pattern of trauma so as a species we need to recognize cycles of trauma and
1:11:07stop the cycle of trauma and heal the people and we don’t discount anybody’s story no matter how
1:11:16wild because when you invalidate somebody that’s what happened to me i went to the
1:11:22psychiatrist i just did that because i was in the divorce you can only go to the people who are
1:11:30um certified by the court right you know as bona fide uh what they call experts and of course
1:11:40i went to him and and because i needed i needed something for my nerves and um he said well point blank he says i was taught that that’s a fantasy there’s no such
1:11:49thing as satanic virtual abuse and that it’s all your imagination he told me point blank and he was a very good soul a very good-hearted person but he believed his training
1:12:02so this is where we’ve got to do the education and also you know like when i meet a schizophrenic
1:12:11now i don’t believe the story that they’re telling me that all these people are after them and all these wild things are happening but i i take it in as if okay that’s really real to them
1:12:26and they need to feel safe by somebody just listening the act of compassionate listening
1:12:34can be so healing and so this gets to what i do in in my practice um it’s this
1:12:44it was explained to me by the the term placticus which is an aztec term for heart heart and so
1:12:55the aztec shaman understood that if somebody’s been through a trauma and they’ve completely
1:13:02healed from it then when somebody comes to them to simply talk to them and relate their experience
1:13:11just by the act of communicating heart to heart the wisdom of that healing
1:13:18transfers to that person because that’s the way we’re designed how beautiful is that
1:13:28so that’s why i got so excited that i go oh i got clear though i don’t have any demons no no no that stuff i got i was vetted by more than one healer i said are you sure
1:13:40are you sure i’m not going to do anything crazy i don’t have any programming left or you know and and also that i forgive them and see what does it mean to forgive
1:13:52is that my goal just like eckhart tolle explains the goal wasn’t to forgive the goal was to heal
1:13:59the forgiving comes as a natural byproduct because you’re no longer placing blame on that person i
1:14:09could see i could heal first like when i realized that my father had to go through horrendous things
1:14:18to do the horrendous things to me because we don’t do this
1:14:24you just don’t find a human being who will do that naturally why do they have to train soldiers
1:14:31to kills because it’s not our instinct to kill okay so i had to go into that and go and then now
1:14:40this might be a little bit much for some people but i i do believe that we make soul contracts
1:14:48and um and i did have a soul contract with my father to do this um and he actually did a service
1:14:58because this was the excuse that got me to the healer so that i could go and retrieve all my soul pieces from past lives and that i had worked with him in lives prior
1:15:10where we were what do you call it uh we were supports for each other this time
1:15:19he had to play this role unfortunately when we come into these roles sometimes we forget
1:15:28well most of the time we forget and we can get distracted by the role and we can go a
1:15:34little too far whatever and um but he did wake up when i was around 11 12 and he realized
1:15:47what he was doing and so he got both me and my brother out of the program and he knew it would
1:15:55mean his death so he died of cancer a very slow long slow death which people will say that was a
1:16:08good way for him to release karma from what he did now this is an interpretation not everybody has to
1:16:14buy into it but it helps me feel more at peace and i’ve communicated with him many times uh since my
1:16:26deepest healing and i’m grateful to him because he in my view he made the greater sacrifice because
1:16:35his soul had to go through so much healing at the soul after doing when a soul performs these types
1:16:45of acts here you don’t just go back to your review board and they say oh bad jobs you do it you know
1:16:54oh we think you know this might be you know no you have some things that really
1:17:00deeply need to be healed and of course you’re supported by angelic beings uh
1:17:07but it was it’s taken him a while and i’m so grateful because now i understand that this was
1:17:19our agreement now of course to die you told if you told me this when i first started that i go what
1:17:28but it took this evolution where i could see this and i start i read the book uh sacred contracts by carolyn miss also if you read louise hay you can heal your life
1:17:40she talks about this and so when we we realized that we are more in command than we
1:17:50think we are and then we can understand that we’re truly not victims and that we can okay i’m not a
1:18:01victim anymore okay this doesn’t just reverse just by thinking that you have to retrain you know and
1:18:07there’s certain circumstances where i go like okay i’m an older person right the computer sometimes
1:18:18i have issues with the computer my relationship with the computer and that will set me off and
1:18:26i have to be careful because i’ll affect it so i go okay i’m sorry i’m sorry sorry
1:18:34yeah i can yeah i don’t want to blow up my computer it’s my friend but sometimes you know getting on websites and trying to negotiate them uh but we’re here for experiences
1:18:46uh but how can we support the people who are going through these experiences right now
1:18:51we can surround them if you’re not in the front lines okay we’re not in the front lines
1:18:58if you’re not in the front lines send everyone compassion all those
1:19:05involved for me to he see to be healed i had to look down at my abuse and i had to look at myself
1:19:14as an equal with all the other players and i had to send compassion and forgiveness because then i
1:19:22forget i i would uh feel blame you know why did i allow this to happen you know these human selves
1:19:31these ideas that we get we get these really crazy crazy notions and we beat ourselves up
1:19:39and i became an expert at beating myself up so i know and it doesn’t take severe trauma to do that
1:19:50a hundred percent that’s so beautiful and i love that you you know it’s always controversial when
1:19:57i talk about not just forgiveness but in looking at multiple different lenses
1:20:06whenever we think about abusers right because when you say i’m going to forgive somebody
1:20:12or i’m trying to understand how that person got to where they are people misinterpret that as
1:20:18we have empathy and excuse what they did right but that’s the piece that’s really missing for
1:20:24a lot of society that does know that this goes on is and it’s very justified the the emotions that
1:20:31stir up when people learn are you know anger and you know just being so mad and enraged
1:20:36and infuriated and i think that’s justified but when we don’t sit here and say we need to have a
1:20:43better understanding of this we need to understand how a perfect innocent child that’s born without
1:20:50hate without any notion of abuse what happens between then and when they do become abusive
1:20:58right and so we’re kind of at the point where we we can understand what an innocent child looks like we know what abuse looks like but bridging that gap between what happens
1:21:08that’s where i think the compassion comes in is to realize oh my gosh what makes a person be so evil that it’s beyond the comprehension of people who hear about it
1:21:19you know these are people that were inflicted with so much trauma had no idea what love was you know
1:21:25that’s not like you said a natural thing for you know somebody to grow up and say i’m just gonna
1:21:31perform horrific you know rituals on my children and prostitute them out you know and again it doesn’t excuse what people do but i love that you’re shedding light on that just because
1:21:41i do think that in healing as a society and in being there for survivors survivors are always the ones i’ve never had a survivor on my show who was like i freaking
1:21:51hope that that all my abusers die and that they die these horrific deaths you know they’re like i hope justice comes i want to get justice but you know that was my dad or that was my somebody in my
1:22:01life that i loved not somebody that i wish would heal i wish they would come to the side that i’m
1:22:06on you know and i wish i could understand or pull them out of that and so i really appreciate you
1:22:13talking about that just because i think that’s really hard for people who haven’t gone through that and who have never traversed such a deep level of healing to understand the layers of
1:22:24how to come out on the other side and to be able to look at the world in a l with a lens that is
1:22:31with compassion and love and empathy and to have that be the frequency that you want to remain on
1:22:37instead of continuing to dip into these anger and fear patterns you know because like how you said
1:22:43that stores in our body you know manifest even if it’s not trauma that we took on if it’s a reaction
1:22:49of something we’re continuously reacting to that’s i mean they want that you know abusers want us in
1:22:55a low vibration and even if that means that we’re angry at them that’s narcissists get off on you
1:23:00know us having a negative reaction to what they do so it’s like our fear and anger reactions feed
1:23:08what they want it makes them more powerful like we’re connecting those emotions to them you know
1:23:13and and i really appreciate that you kind of talk about hey we need to we need to cut that cord you know we need to focus on how do i become the best version of me how do i raise my frequency and
1:23:24not have these attachments to people other than trying to understand while remaining in a place
1:23:30of healing and you know higher frequency myself well that this is what jesus came to teach yes
1:23:38when he was okay if you’re you have a problem with forgiveness then what about when he’s on the
1:23:44cross in the middle of being tortured and he says father forgive them for they know not what they do
1:23:56he knew how to hold compassion even while abuse was being perpetrated upon him
1:24:08in the moment so i thought okay i learned how to forgive something in the past now my goal
1:24:15is to be able to forgive in the moment the way it’s portrayed in this beautiful story
1:24:21and that and we focus on all the trauma and you know the nails and we get all we get all um
1:24:29distracted by the story and you go wait you forgot the whole point the whole point look at what he’s
1:24:36doing his most beautiful thing he’s saying at this time and we’re not talking about that part of the
1:24:45story that that is the big part of the story and it’s compassion you know what compassion is and i
1:24:54love i got this definition from anthony williams compassion is love that understands suffering
1:25:06yes so the world needs compassion so if a person sees a terrible thing and they’re feeling like
1:25:17oh i’m so angry or they want revenge whatever if they couldn’t leave but they’re sending actually
1:25:23it’s eating themselves right so when we anybody that we destroy it’s actually affecting anybody
1:25:30else so when you’re imploding on yourself you’re doing a disservice to humankind so you’re not
1:25:37you’re not separate from everybody so be good to yourself be kind to yourself and go okay
1:25:43i went through this anger i’ve got this i get to process it how can i transmute it to at least a place of neutrality so that i’m not feeding the flame
1:25:56okay and um we can still talk about these things there are to be able to talk about
1:26:05things without getting overly emotional we get overly emotional when we still
1:26:12have unhealed pieces when i listened so one of the things i wanted to do to vet myself to see okay
1:26:18can i really help people is i watched uh several of the trials of the itnj have you heard of them
1:26:28no i don’t think so the international tribunal of natural justice and they interviewed um the gal
1:26:36from australia wow i forgot her name but i saw her name listed on your website um so they interviewed
1:26:47is it it’s an international tribunal now the people these sra survivors mk ultra um
1:26:55this survivor and the people from the other side who came to this side came in with their
1:27:01documentation and said this is what i have the documentation the police records this this this
1:27:07this so i could and they would go explicitly into the tortures and what happened to them
1:27:17and i found that i was able to hold compassion around that and i didn’t go into reaction so
1:27:24that was my test for myself i’m going okay i did heal that i did heal that and even if i don’t do
1:27:33anything further with that healing because i’m connected to everybody that’s helping everybody
1:27:43in some way so we all can be of service just by as michael jackson says no look the man in the mirror
1:27:53take care of the man the woman in the mirror take care of that person in the mirror give that
1:27:59person compassion give the fur in order to get to forgiveness now this was the hard part of the path
1:28:05for giving the self that’s why i like the ho’oponopono prayer because it’s very
1:28:10general and um it’s like you’re talking from both sides when you’re saying the ho’oponopono prayer
1:28:19i am sorry please forgive me thank you i love you this is from the hawaiian tradition
1:28:27and it’s just i sing it it says it and oh my gosh i’m going to tears you know and i had to
1:28:34do a lot of healing around my father and with all the over this is the other thing i want
1:28:39to pass on that was very fascinating to me in my healing with all the over-the-top stuff my dad did
1:28:46whereas my mom was just kind of like a she was there she had her hands tied if she said
1:28:52anything she’d get thrown in the loony bin she couldn’t you know yeah he’s threatened
1:28:58to to put her away your mom wasn’t involved she was being abused also yes and she was 15 years
1:29:05younger so she was like one of the kids i mean she was so she was in that category but my mother
1:29:16rejected me because um she got married to my father because she got pregnant with me
1:29:28so she blamed me for all of her problems so from the very get-go she rejected me in my healing
1:29:41the deepest hurt was being rejected by my mother it wasn’t the satanic rituals it wasn’t the
1:29:50prostitution it wasn’t being abused physically and sexually by my father it was being rejected
1:29:56by my mother hurt me more deeply so folks take that one and understand the power of the mother
1:30:07and if you don’t love your child please allow somebody else to love that child
1:30:18so um that was i i just i was flabbergasted now this took years of of healing but that was really hard that was really hard and it’s so
1:30:30understandable you know that’s something if people just had a great relationship with their mother
1:30:35you know you don’t realize like you know one of my guests that i had on john paul rice he talks about
1:30:42children babies the the mother and the father those are like god to the child you know the child
1:30:47doesn’t that’s their hold they eat breathe live their parents they’re dependent on them that’s the only things that the child knows and depends on every day are the parents and the mother you
1:30:57know that connection and when you don’t have that the different side effects that end up
1:31:03unconsciously you know holding performing and being created in that in that child’s young
1:31:09impressionable mind you know it’s that’s another thing i don’t think as a society we we’ve gotten
1:31:16away from that you know there obviously is an agenda to break up the family unit which has been very successful in a lot of ways but then there’s also you know women empowerment which is so great
1:31:27but at the same token it it’s putting pressure on women to say you’re worthless if you are at home
1:31:32being a mom you need to be out working and be you know a badass woman and you know a boss babe and
1:31:39you know again not that i have anything against women who work but that
1:31:45that young baby and that young child just needing that i don’t think people realize you know
1:31:51the extent of damage it does when that mother’s not there for the child so i appreciate you
1:31:57talking about that a little bit yes and there’s something energetic called the mother chord that
1:32:04doesn’t exist there’s no father chord the child it’s it’s like an uh an energetic embolical
1:32:15psychological level we say that the child needs attachment you know that’s the good form of
1:32:22attachment we’re talking you know in the religious spiritual sense we don’t want to be attached right
1:32:27but we’re talking in the psychological um form with uh children is that the small
1:32:34child attaches and so this is an abuse that just is absolutely awful is corporate daycare i had i
1:32:45i ended up working corporate daycare a few years ago and i’m going why spirit why did you send me
1:32:50here and i go oh my gosh i felt like i was at the other end of the abuse here i’m with the clipboard
1:32:58and what they did is they had it i was in the infant room and i can’t remember if we had
1:33:0510 or 12 babies uh for two adults every two hours we had to change the diaper every two
1:33:13for each child every two hours we had to feed each child and we had to record all of this
1:33:21on two on a piece of paper and also on a tablet and send the information to the parents so the
1:33:27parents knew in time real time your child just pooped and this is how much they so we
1:33:33had no time to hold the babies they’re crying i thought the first three days i thought i’m gonna
1:33:40i’m gonna lose it i’m gonna cry i mean oh my god i feel like an abuser and everybody think nobody
1:33:46thinks anything is wrong with this and i’m going so we have to open our eyes where we go
1:33:54wait a minute we really have to understand what it really means to be in a human body i do believe
1:34:02that we’re spirits that live in human bodies but when we’re in this body we need to respect
1:34:09what i call our the is the setup and the setup is this bonding that happens
1:34:15with the child and is specifically with them now the father is important but the mother is like if the mother rejects the child it is it runs deeper and uh so
1:34:33i i thought that is something that people really really need to know and we need to support
1:34:38motherhood yes we need to support it and that women don’t have to go out there and they make
1:34:45great managers uh this is the time of the divine feminine energy is rising but we need balance we
1:34:52need we need the divine masculine as well as the divine feminine and this is what comes together
1:34:59and this is where we have the father the mother and the child the first the first
1:35:05trinity the father mother child and um if we don’t solve that triangle the spiritual okay
1:35:15let me talk about the spirit path directly that if a person wants to heal from this
1:35:22abuse they have to be on a spiritual path there’s no no it doesn’t matter what religion you’re
1:35:32okay i’m not telling you have to be this religion or that religion spiritual meaning
1:35:38you’re connected to the source to god whatever you want to call it something bigger than yourself
1:35:47and understand that you are more than you extend way beyond the limits of your skin and people are
1:35:57telepathic it just you know it’s i can just keep talking and talking i am so sorry we’re going on a
1:36:03bit over time here so we have no i appreciate you and i would love to have you on again i feel like
1:36:10we just kind of scratched the surface on some things and i know like how i told you before we started recording you’re somebody i could have on 500 times and always have something to talk about
1:36:20so i appreciate you i think this was a great you know way for people to get to know you who
1:36:25maybe haven’t heard your story yet and i i mean i’ve learned a lot from listening to the other
1:36:32interview that you sent me and then just how you word things i think you take really hard concepts
1:36:37and break them down in ways that people can digest and understand you know and i love that you’re out
1:36:43there talking about a lot of this because not many people are and and hopefully that’ll change
1:36:48i know more and more people are out there talking about it you know but it starts with people like you that are willing to be first and to pave the way even if for years and years and years just
1:36:57like with kathy o’brien like i can’t imagine coming out and talking when when she started
1:37:02or even you know when you did or some of these other amazing women who started talking
1:37:07way before you know these last few years when people like me have woken up to it you know so i just i honor you for everything that you’ve done because i can’t i can’t fathom what you’ve
1:37:17been through and i’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and i’m so inspired by what you’ve done with it you know you’ve done more with your life and understand more in your life than
1:37:26most people who haven’t gone through trauma you know and i just think as a world we have so much to learn from all of you on what we’re capable of and healing and these really complex things
1:37:37that happen as a result from trauma and abuse and you know i’m grateful that that you came
1:37:42on and shared space with me today and i’d love for you to if you want to just talk for just a minute about positive shifting where people can find you and connect with you with that
1:37:52and we can obviously bring you one again and talk more in depth about it but i think that’s really special that that you know you’re doing this work and i’d love to share it with people
1:38:01oh thank you oh well um it’s positiveshifting.com uh i do spiritual coaching um and basically um
1:38:11the vast majority of people come to me have no idea what my background is they just know that i
1:38:17have a trauma background i don’t go into detail because it’s it’s still not very relatable and
1:38:26um and i didn’t want to make that my identity either it’s something that happened to me
1:38:34it’s like you know do you say that since you went to this gym and now you’re a bodybuilder you know
1:38:40forever you know you went i went to the gym and i worked out you know i’m not a bodybuilder so um and and i just it’s for people who are serious about
1:38:52becoming what they were meant to be you know uncovering that diamond i believe that everybody’s
1:38:58like got this diamond uh inside that’s shining uh but we can’t see it because it’s just been
1:39:07you know layered over with experiences and we’ve layered it over with the with beliefs
1:39:13and things that hold us back so um it just is so liberating to watch people
1:39:21uh get those aha moments to know oh this is who i really am and to but basically i have to
1:39:31honor where they are at and i meet people where they’re at and um and some people are just wanting
1:39:39to just do better uh at their job and they want to progress spiritually uh that way uh because 70
1:39:53of the spiritual path is emotional processing so people who are in his self-help and learning about
1:40:01themselves are on the spiritual path and they really well actually we all are on the spiritual
1:40:06path you know whether we declare it or not but um the people who are mindfully on the spiritual path
1:40:13um is just most of it is because our connection our interpreting devices are emotions
1:40:23we we know what’s going on through our emotions those are what give us cues and if we didn’t have
1:40:30emotions then we wouldn’t this is the way we’re set up as human beings right and we have very
1:40:36intense emotions so we have to learn how um how to use them as tools for our benefit instead of
1:40:45becoming victims of our emotions so it’s all about reframing i like to reframe things so
1:40:52when somebody comes in i watch their speech pattern and then i’ll go oh i see the theme
1:41:01do you see the theme and then we pick up the theme it’s not about the details we get caught
1:41:07in the details just like jesus on the cross we go oh my god the cross the thorns the blood
1:41:14wait a minute what did he say what did he say that was so profound you guys that was
1:41:21it he came there with this beautiful message so i want to end with that that you know um
1:41:30like to send everybody compassion and i invite everybody to uh move into their compassion
1:41:37for all the beings uh that exist here so that’s just beautiful and are you on social media at all
1:41:46or is your website the best place for people to find you the website is the best place um
1:41:52i’m not really good at social media i started doing instagram but on instagram i just post
1:42:00all of mostly uh my healthy food it kind of like we had we didn’t talk about the um personality uh
1:42:11disorder thing but it’s just kind of fun for me that okay now i have this personality on instagram
1:42:17and it’s all but it’s all about helping people and i am going to i’m trying to figure out how to
1:42:24put things out in snippets so that um it’s digestible for the average person
1:42:30not just for no i get to speak openly about sra because of you but i don’t do that
1:42:40uh i’m still sorting out how to to do things without getting put in a niche
1:42:46so i’m i want to reach as many people as possible to tell them that you know
1:42:52no matter who you are no matter what your your background no matter what your journey
1:42:57is healing is possible and joy is possible and the rubber band effect is true i’ve talked about
1:43:07that in the past but i got to experience it and you’ve heard about the rubber band effect right
1:43:13and so for listeners you know the the farther back in darkness you go when you let go of
1:43:18the rubber band the further you get so in in november i was dealing with excess joy
1:43:29i was so ungrounded for a few weeks ago well okay this is like anxiety because i still can’t
1:43:34get pipe but it’s really cool
1:43:40that’s an imbalance and i went to my naturopath she said well i think that’s a good problem to have everybody else has been coming in with depression so
1:43:51so there it’s like it these experiences clean you out they scour you out
1:43:58and if you can appreciate that and appreciate your new vessel if you will then you can go and and help other people and spread the joy and um and the hope
1:44:14well i’m so grateful for you you’re such a beautiful soul and your heart just radiates so brightly and and so does everything about you and i’m so grateful that you chose to come on here
1:44:23today and for people listening i will link her website and then if she’s able to give me her
1:44:28instagram handle do you have a handle are people able to follow you on instagram or is that more of like your personal page kind of no i i made it public but you know it’s not going to be real
1:44:38exciting stuff it’s going to be just fun little things so it’s okay yeah i’ll have to figure
1:44:47out how to like me and technology oh it’s always a work in progress there’s so much and then once you
1:44:53learn it they add new features and do new stuff it’s just you know never ends so i’ll link all of
1:44:59her information below in the show notes please everybody continue to say prayers for kaelyn
1:45:04as she continues to sort out how to best present this information to the public and then speak out
1:45:11on platforms like this i think everybody that listens knows that spiritual attacks are real
1:45:17and there’s a lot of opposition that doesn’t want people like kaelin to have a voice and to be able
1:45:22to to share this information so people like like you and me can learn so continue to pray for
1:45:28her go support her business follow her on social media reach out to her contact her on her website
1:45:34hire her and just shower her with love and and compassion and take everything that she learned
1:45:40and spread that love and compassion with everybody that you come in contact with that that i think is the best way that you can honor kaelyn and the legacy that that she’s creating and gonna leave
1:45:50behind so thank you all for listening god bless you and we will see you all next week